Will You Cry for Me If I Die? - Chapter 88

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Team. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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Chapter 88

Everyone stops.

Theodor stopped too.

Millayen spoke.

“Theo.”

Calling just the name is a warning.

Theodor closed his mouth.

Even seeing Theodor close his mouth, my heart still trembled.

The trembling is trembling from the past.

To calm that trembling, I fidgeted with my wrist bracelet.

Lermiel moved quietly beside me.

He picked up a piece of meat from his bowl and placed it on a small plate.

Then he gently pushed that plate toward me.

When pushed, it becomes mine.

When it becomes mine, the worry of it being taken away decreases.

I looked at the plate, then looked at Lermiel.

He didn’t avoid my eyes.

When he doesn’t avoid them, sometimes it’s sincere.

So that sincerity wouldn’t be burdensome, very quietly

“Thank you.”

Lermiel nodded.

“Yeah.”

Yeah is today too

Theodor saw this and pouted his lips.

I was briefly wary that he might put his hand in my bowl again.

But Theodor hugged his own bowl tightly and turned his head away.

Turning away means he’s sulking.

When sulking, time is needed.

I’m good at waiting for time.

At the Research Institute, I had to wait to survive.

After eating the stew, my body became warm.

When it becomes warm, my heart loosens a little too.

I placed my pouch on my lap.

When placed on my lap, it won’t fall.

When it doesn’t fall, I won’t lose it.

As the meal was ending, Iden placed a small box in front of me.

The box was smaller than before, with snowflakes carved on the lid.

It’s a pattern I like.

Iden said.

“Put what you found today in here.”

Telling me to put it in means to store it.

When stored, it’s mine.

I opened my pouch and took out the metal fragment.

The fragment was cold, but it didn’t stay in my hand long.

I put the fragment in the box and closed the lid.

Click.

The click sound is a definite sound.

When definite, my heart feels at ease.

Lermiel looked at my box and said.

“You hid it well.”

The word “hid” is the right word for me.

I liked those words, so I nodded.

And very quietly said to myself.

‘Hiding here isn’t the same as running away.’

That thought made my heart a little warmer.

A moment later.

I left the dining hall holding the small box to my chest.

Each time the snowflake pattern on the box lid touched my palm, what I possessed became clear.

When it becomes clear, my heart wavers less.

When it wavers less, my steps become lighter.

I put the box in my coat’s inner pocket and pressed the pocket firmly.

When I press and feel the corners, I feel relieved.

Relief is brief, but even briefly was good.

And they taught me that those brief moments continue.

Suddenly, I realized that nothing frightened me.

* * *

The corridor was darkening with evening light.

The snow outside the window was tinged with purple.

When snow has color, the world looks like a dream.

When it looks like a dream, the smell of reality becomes a little fainter.

I walked slowly following that faintness.

The carpet under my feet swallowed the sound of my footsteps.

When swallowed, no one can find me.

Not being found is scary, but here it’s safe.

I’m still unfamiliar with safe quietness.

Being unfamiliar, I fidgeted with my wrist bracelet.

The rough thread scratched my fingertips.

The scratching brought me to the present.

Theodor kept turning his head in front.

He was glaring at my pocket.

Glaring eyes look like hungry eyes.

Hungry eyes soon become hands.

I covered my pocket side with my arm.

Covering means it’s mine.

Theodor grumbled.

“Only you get a box.”

I said stiffly.

“I found it.”

Theodor imitated a sigh.

Imitation is playfulness.

Playfulness sometimes loosens the heart.

I dislike loosening, but I dislike Theodor’s playfulness less.

Iden stopped in front of us.

He opened a small door beside the corridor.

Warm steamy smell leaked through the doorway.

Steamy smell is bathroom smell.

Bathrooms are slippery.

When slippery, you fall, and when you fall, it hurts.

When it hurts, tears come up.

I hate crying, so I hate bathrooms too.

But today I have to go in.

Today I walked outside, and snow powder was stuck to my clothes.

When it sticks, it’s itchy.

When it’s itchy, my body becomes restless.

It’s better to wash before becoming restless.

I calculated in my mind as I crossed the doorway.

Inside there were white tiles, wooden shelves, and a large bathtub.

Steam rose above the bathtub, making the glass cloudy.

When it’s cloudy, you can’t see inside well.

When you can’t see inside, it’s scary, but cloudiness from hot water is less scary.

Iden took off my coat and said.

“Today, let’s try doing it yourself.”

Yourself is a difficult word.

Difficult words squeeze my insides tight.

I still nodded my head.

Nodding your head means you won’t run away.

I want to look like a baby who doesn’t run away.

Theodor already had a towel draped over his head.

The towel looked like a crown.

Theodor shook the towel and said.

“I am a king.”

Hearing those words, I thought of the snowflake on my box lid.

It’s neither a snowflake nor a crown, but they’re similar in that it’s mine.

I said quietly.

“I am No. 1.”

The stiff words rolled around in my mouth.

Iden swallowed his laughter.

Swallowed laughter is good because it’s quiet.

He took my hand and helped me stand on a small chair.

When he helps me stand, I get a little taller.

When I get a little taller, I look less small in the mirror.

When I look less small, my heart shrinks less.

I picked up the soap.

Soap is slippery.

When it’s slippery, it falls.

When it falls, you have to pick it up, and when you pick it up, water splashes.

I don’t like water splashing.

I gripped the soap with both hands wrapped around it.

When you grip with both hands, it falls less.

I rubbed my arm.

When I rubbed my arm, foam appeared.

Foam is white and light.

Light things float.

Floating things are hard to catch.

I frowned briefly watching the foam flow down from the back of my hand.

Then Lermiel appeared in the doorway.

He didn’t come into the bathroom and stopped outside the door.

Stopping means respecting boundaries.

When boundaries are respected, I become less uncomfortable too.

Lermiel looked at my hands and said quietly.

“Slowly.”

The word slowly relaxed the strength in my fingers.

I put down the soap and rinsed off the foam.

When you rinse, the foam disappears.

When it disappears, it becomes clean.

When it becomes clean, my skin feels weakened.

I don’t like the feeling of being weakened, but Iden immediately wrapped me in a towel.

When he wraps me, I become safe again.

I caught my breath inside the towel and checked toward my pocket.

My coat was hanging on a chair by the door, and the box in my pocket would be there.

Believing it will be there is still difficult.

So as soon as I left the bathroom, I ran to my coat.

Running might make my feet slip, so I stopped trying to run and walked quickly.

Even walking quickly, my legs are short so my steps become cute.

I don’t know I’m cute, but I saw Iden’s eyes soften briefly.

I opened my coat pocket and touched the box.

The corner touched my fingertip.

Relief settled down.

Theodor saw this and stuck out his lips.

He dragged his towel and said.

“Touching it again.”

I said stiffly.

“It must not disappear.”

Theodor tilted his head.

Tilting is a face that doesn’t understand.

A face that doesn’t understand is safe.

People who don’t know don’t know my past.

I liked that ignorance, so I didn’t say more.

After evening passed, the light became lower.

We gathered in the common living room.

The living room had a large fireplace, and embers remained.

The embers were alive like small red dots.

Small fire isn’t scary.

I sat on the carpet a little away from the fireplace.

The carpet keeps feet warm.

When it’s warm, my fingertips tingle less.

Lermiel sat quietly beside me.

He took out the bookmark he made today and placed it on his knee.

On the leather piece, a snowflake and star were side by side.

When things are side by side, my heart becomes comfortable.

Seeing that, I took out my box again.

I opened the box.

Inside, a metal piece was lying down.

The cold silver color touched the firelight and changed to a slightly warmer color.

I pushed the metal piece with my fingertip.

I liked that the movement was small.

Lermiel said quietly.

“Let’s put it away.”

Let’s put it away means let’s store it.

Storing is a way not to lose things.

I nodded my head and put the piece back into the box.

There was a click sound.

A definite sound.

Definite sounds make my heart feel solid.

Theodor heard that click sound and leaned his body forward.

He spoke as if whispering.

“Me too, box.”

I took a breath once and said.

“You can make one.”

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Team. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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