Will You Cry for Me If I Die? - Chapter 89

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Team. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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Chapter 89

“Can I make one too?”

Why is he asking me that?

But somehow Theodor’s eyes sparkled.

When the sparkle gets bigger, it becomes noisy.

But today I didn’t dislike that sparkle.

Iden brought small wooden pieces and a bundle of thread.

He spread the materials on the carpet.

Wooden pieces, thin leather, thread, small fabric scraps.

When materials are spread out, play begins.

When play begins, fights can happen too.

Since I hate fights, I moved my spot back a little.

Moving back is a safe distance.

From a safe distance, I can see better.

I could see everything – what Theodor picked up, what Lermiel avoided, what order Iden explained things in.

When I watch, I can prepare.

When I prepare, I’m less surprised.

Iden said.

“Today we’re making small pouches instead of boxes.”

There were pouches earlier too.

I like pouches.

Theodor grumbled.

“It’s not a box.”

Iden lightly pressed Theodor’s head with his palm.

When pressed down, shoulders drop.

When they drop, the noise decreases.

Watching that scene, I felt again that Iden was family.

Family creates rules for you.

Rules keep me alive.

Lermiel picked up a piece of leather and pushed it toward me.

The leather piece had a very small snowflake stamped on it.

I touched it with my fingertips, very

“Mine.”

Lermiel nodded.

“Yeah.”

Yeah was short today too, which was good.

I looked for the hole to thread the string through the leather piece.

The hole was small.

Small means difficult.

Difficult makes irritation rise up.

I stopped my hands before the irritation could rise.

If I stop, I won’t fail.

Then Lermiel gently placed the end of the thread near my hand.

He didn’t grab my hand.

Help without grabbing makes my heart comfortable.

I picked up the thread end and put it through the hole.

I put it through, pulled it, and made a knot.

When the knot was finished, the pouch took on a small shape.

When shape forms, joy rises up.

I pressed my lips tight to hide the joy.

But my eyes got a little bigger anyway.

Theodor saw that and said.

“You’re good at this.”

Being told I’m good is praise.

Praise is a shield.

I gained one more shield.

I picked up the pouch and placed it next to my box.

When placed side by side, my things look like they’ve increased.

When they look increased, it feels reassuring.

The fireplace embers got a little smaller.

When night deepens, the sounds in the living room get smaller too.

When they get smaller, sleepiness comes.

Sleep is both scary and warm.

Today the warm side was bigger.

I stood up holding my box to my chest.

Lermiel stood up too.

We walked down the corridor back to the room.

* * *

Outside the window, snow was falling quietly again.

Quiet snow shakes my heart less.

In front of the door to the room, Lermiel stopped for a moment.

He looked at my box once, looked at the bracelet on my wrist once, and looked at my face.

Then he said very quietly.

“You kept it well.”

Hearing those words, I nodded.

“Yeah.”

I opened the door and went into the room.

Inside the blankets was warm.

In the warmth, I placed the box next to my pillow.

Next to the pillow is a safe spot.

If I put it in a safe spot, it seemed like my things wouldn’t disappear during the night.

* * *

When I opened my eyes in the morning, the room was gray.

Gray means the sun hasn’t fully risen yet.

When it’s gray, it’s quiet.

When it’s quiet, breathing becomes comfortable.

From inside the blankets, I groped with my hand to find the box first.

A hard edge touched next to the pillow.

Relief settled down below my chest.

I took out the box and rubbed the snowflake on the lid with my fingertips.

When I rub it and feel the texture, my things become certain.

When they’re certain, I can endure today too.

Frost had settled thinly on the window.

The frost looked like white breath left on the glass.

I pressed my palm against the glass and made a small circle on the frost.

Through the circle, I could see outside.

Snow had fallen again during the night, making the courtyard thicker.

Thicker snow makes footprints deeper.

Deep footprints are traces.

Traces are scary, but the traces here appear again even if they disappear.

I recalled that fact and kicked off the blanket.

The floor was cold.

When it’s cold, the body wakes up first.

I also found the small pouch I made yesterday and placed it on my palm.

The pouch smelled of leather.

The leather smell resembled the scent of the study.

Similar scents connect things in my head.

When connected, I don’t lose my way.

I put the pouch in my coat’s inner pocket and held the box in my arms.

When I opened the door and went out to the corridor, I heard the sound of a pot boiling from far away.

The boiling sound is a warm sound.

Following warm sounds leads to the kitchen.

I went to the kitchen while muffling my footsteps.

The glass bottle lamps placed by the corridor window sparkled in the morning light.

The sparkle was small, so it was okay.

I briefly picked up one of them.

The snowflakes inside the glass bottle became a little clearer in the morning light.

When things become clear, they’re pretty.

Pretty things make you want to keep them for a long time.

I put the bottle back in its place and wiped my fingertips once.

When I opened the kitchen door, the air was warm.

The warm air carried the scent of bread.

The bread scent makes the stomach move right away.

My stomach rumbled quietly.

I pressed my stomach with my hand once because I didn’t want the rumbling to be heard.

Iden was stirring a large pot.

Inside the pot, milk-colored porridge was boiling.

Small bubbles rose and fell on top of the porridge.

Rising and falling looks like breathing.

A breathing pot isn’t scary.

Iden looked at me and said.

“You woke up early.”

I answered stiffly.

“Yeah.”

I spoke briefly and hugged the box tighter to my chest.

Hugging means it becomes mine.

Theodor was sitting with his knees up on a chair.

He had a spoon in his mouth and was touching flour with his hands.

Flour is white powder.

I don’t like powder.

Powder gets in your eyes and nose too.

A little powder flew into the air from Theodor’s fingertips.

I squinted my eyes.

Theodor saw my expression and stopped his hands.

When he stops, fighting decreases.

I felt a little relieved seeing Theodor stop.

Iden placed a small basin in front of me.

Inside the basin was dough.

The dough was warm and soft.

Soft things change shape when you press them with your hands.

When shapes change, I can make things.

When I can make things, I’m useful.

I pressed the dough once.

I felt elasticity in my palm.

Elasticity feels like something alive.

Living things are sometimes scary, but bread doesn’t harm me.

Iden said.

“Let’s make small bread today.”

Small bread is similar to the size of my hands.

When it’s similar, I can do it.

I nodded my head.

Then the door opened and Demian came in.

He brought a little cold air with him.

The cold air had the scent of snow mixed in.

Demian glanced once at the box in my arms.

He didn’t say anything, but his gaze left permission as it passed.

I liked that permission.

When I like something, my hands move a little more.

I rolled the dough with my palm to make it round.

Circles are round so they’re less dangerous.

When there are no corners, they don’t stab.

I made several more round pieces of dough.

Theodor stretched his dough long to make it like a snake.

I don’t like snakes.

Snakes appeared as bad things in the Research Institute’s picture books too.

I frowned while looking at Theodor’s snake dough.

Theodor looked at my face and said.

“This is a bread snake.”

Even if it’s a bread snake, a snake is still a snake.

I said stiffly.

“I don’t like it.”

Theodor folded the snake dough again to make it into a circle.

When it became a circle, my heart softened a little too.

Softening is dangerous, but today it’s okay because we’re in the kitchen.

Iden placed small seeds on top of the dough.

The seeds looked like black dots.

Black dots are as clear as footprints on snow.

When things are clear, they remain in memory.

Iden said.

“These are poppy seeds.”

The word poppy is difficult, but seeds are seeds.

I pressed the seeds with my finger.

When you press them, they get embedded.

When they’re embedded, they don’t fall off.

When they don’t fall off, you don’t lose them.

I liked that sensation.

While the bread was baking, there was time to wait.

Waiting time brings both anxiety and stability.

In the kitchen, the stability side is bigger.

There’s a fireplace, pots, and adults.

When adults are around, someone makes rules.

When there are rules, I shake less.

Demian sat in the chair next to me.

He looked at the powder on my palm.

I don’t like powder, but Demian’s gaze wasn’t sharp.

He wiped my hand once with a cloth.

It tickled when the cloth passed between my fingers.

When it tickles, laughter might come out.

I pressed my lips tight to hide the laughter.

Demian very

“Tell me if you’re uncomfortable.”

This place is really strange.

At the Research Institute, when I said I was uncomfortable, it got more uncomfortable.

Here, when I say it, it becomes less uncomfortable.

I don’t fully believe that yet, but still I nodded my head just a little bit.

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Team. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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