Will You Cry for Me If I Die? - Chapter 90

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Team. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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Chapter 90

Then there was a quiet presence at the doorway.

It was Lermiel.

He stood at the doorway without entering the kitchen.

Lermiel makes me comfortable.

I put down my box for a moment and took out the pouch I made yesterday.

I hadn’t put anything in the pouch yet.

An empty pouch is unsettling, but being empty means it can be filled in the future.

Being able to fill it is an opportunity.

I wanted to show that opportunity to Lermiel.

“This!”

I placed the pouch on my palm and held it toward Lermiel.

Lermiel looked at my pouch.

And at the bracelet on my wrist too.

Then he nodded very slowly.

“You made it well.”

Those words made my chest a little warm.

When it gets warm, more words come out.

Even when I try to speak stiffly, my voice becomes slightly softer.

“Give me something to put in!”

Lermiel thought for a moment, then took out a small wooden piece from his sleeve.

The piece was star-shaped.

A wooden star is less cold than a metal star.

When it’s less cold, my hand flinches less.

Lermiel placed the piece on my palm.

I put the star piece into the pouch.

The pouch became just a little heavier.

When it gets heavier, it’s not empty.

When it’s not empty, it’s reassuring.

I tightened and tied the pouch string.

Worried my fingers might tremble while tying, I took a breath and did it slowly.

Theodor watched and said with a wistful voice.

“I want to put something in too.”

I didn’t answer right away.

After thinking, I pulled the pouch toward my chest and looked at Theodor.

Those sparkling eyes again.

I felt like my heart would soften.

I tensed up more and said fiercely.

“I told you to make your own!”

Theodor pouted his lips regretfully but didn’t reach out his hand.

He gives up quickly.

I didn’t stop the corners of my mouth from rising as I thought.

‘Theodor really is cute!’

That’s an obvious fact!

Then the bread smell from the oven became stronger.

It meant it would be finished soon.

Millayen said completion is the reward for waiting.

‘Did he say waiting makes the result sweeter?’

When Iden excitedly opened the oven, warm steam filled the kitchen.

Small breads were golden brown inside the steam.

Golden brown is a warm color even in winter.

When I saw that bread, my eyes widened a little.

To hide my widened eyes, I lowered my head.

Iden placed my bread on a plate.

On top of my bread were embedded black seed dots.

The embedded dots are traces of where I pressed.

I looked at those traces and lightly touched the bread with my fingertips.

The outside would be crispy, and the inside would be soft.

I like that expectation.

When expectations are right, the world is less scary.

Demian placed warm milk in front of me.

The milk was white, but the cup was cream-colored so it hurt my eyes less.

I took a bite of the bread.

It made a small crispy sound.

Warmth spread in my mouth.

Like tying up my softening heart with the pouch string, I touched my wrist bracelet once and touched the pouch once.

Could a human become any warmer than this?

* * *

After finishing the bread, my fingertips were shiny with grease.

When they’re shiny, dust sticks to them.

When dust sticks, they get dirty.

When they get dirty, I get scolded.

I wiped my hands with the cloth placed next to the cup.

The cloth absorbed the grease and became slightly darker.

The darkened part is evidence of what I ate.

I don’t like traces, but here they get erased.

When erased, they don’t remain.

When they don’t remain, it’s safe.

When the kitchen door opened, outside air seeped in again.

The cold air pushed out the warm smell.

The pushed-out smell slowly disappeared.

Watching things disappear, I learn that some things can’t be held onto for long.

That thought felt a little heavy, so I cupped the pouch with my hands.

If I cup it, it seems like it won’t disappear.

Iden said.

“Let’s play outside a little.”

When the word “outside” entered my ears, my stomach tensed slightly.

Outside is wide.

When it’s wide, there are fewer places to hide.

When there are fewer places to hide, it’s unsettling.

Still, the Winter Family’s courtyard is surrounded by walls.

When there are walls, there are boundaries.

When there are boundaries, I won’t get lost.

I nodded while making that calculation.

I put on my coat, wrapped my scarf, and wore my gloves.

My hands inside the gloves are small.

When they’re small, they’re caught less.

When they’re caught less, it’s easier to run away.

I was thinking about running away when I remembered that thought was useless.

Here, I don’t need to run away.

That fact still feels awkward.

When I opened the courtyard door, sunlight spread over the snow.

The snow received the daylight and shone silver.

When light is strong, it stings the eyes.

I squinted a little.

When I stepped forward, the snow sank deep.

My footprint formed in the sunken spot.

Footprints are traces.

I don’t like traces.

Still, this trace will soon be covered by other snow.

When covered, it disappears.

With that thought, I took another step forward.

Theodor was already scooping snow with his hands, making it into a ball.

Snowballs are round.

Round things are safe.

When he threw the snowball, it hit Demian’s cloak.

The snow stuck to the cloak scattered.

When things scatter, a fight might start.

I pulled my body back a little.

When you pull back, you don’t stand in the middle.

When you don’t stand in the middle, you get hit less.

Demian bent his head down and picked up snow.

His hands are big.

When big hands grip snow, it becomes a bigger ball.

I calculated the direction the snowball would fly.

When you calculate, you’re less surprised.

Demian rolled the snowball toward Theodor.

When you roll it, it’s gentle.

When it’s gentle, it doesn’t hurt.

Theodor got hit by the snowball and laughed.

When you laugh, it means you’re okay.

Seeing that, I relaxed my tension a little.

Lermiel was standing at the edge of the courtyard.

He was drawing lines on the snow.

He pushed the snow with his fingertips, making thin, long lines.

Lines are paths.

Paths are directions.

I wanted to see where that line led.

So I slowly walked toward Lermiel.

My footprints formed next to his line.

When they form next to each other, they’re parallel.

Parallel is less scary.

Lermiel looked at my footprints and said.

“Here.”

He drew a small circle on the snow.

Circles have their beginning and end connected.

When connected, they don’t break.

I placed my foot inside that circle.

My foot collapsed the circle a little.

When you collapse something, it breaks.

Seeing broken things makes my chest sting.

Lermiel said quietly.

“Again.”

He drew the circle again with his hand.

When you can make it again, it’s less scary.

I placed my foot down again.

This time I was careful.

When you’re careful, things break less.

Theodor ran over and stood next to us.

He opened his eyes wide and said.

“What are you doing?”

“Finding a path.”

Theodor tilted his head.

Tilting means you don’t know.

Lermiel made small dots on the snow and connected the dots with lines.

When dots connect, they become shapes.

When they become shapes, they’re drawings.

A small snowflake shape formed on the snow.

Seeing that, I held my breath a little.

Snowflakes are also on the box lid.

The box and snow resembled each other.

Things that resemble each other connect hearts.

I gently pressed the snow with my gloved hand.

The snow crumbled and scattered like powder.

I don’t like powder.

Still, snow powder disappears when it melts.

When it disappears, there are no traces.

Remembering that fact, I made a small dot on the snow.

The dot is mine.

When my dot connects with lines, it becomes my path.

Demian was watching us from far away.

His gaze is wide.

A wide gaze covers the entire courtyard.

When covered, it’s safe.

Within that safety, I moved a little further forward.

I gathered snow with both hands and made a small ball.

The ball is cold.

The coldness stings my fingertips.

I gently rolled the ball and sent it toward Lermiel.

I didn’t throw it hard.

When you roll it, it doesn’t hurt.

Lermiel caught the snowball.

He held the snowball and looked at me for a moment.

There was no mockery in those eyes.

When there’s no mockery, it’s comfortable.

He split the snowball in half and held out one half toward me.

When you share, there’s no fighting.

I took that half.

When you receive something, debt might form.

Still, today that debt didn’t feel heavy.

I looked at the center of the courtyard while holding the snowball.

Theodor was lying face down on the snow, waving his arms.

When he waved his arms, the snow was pushed to the sides.

Wing shapes formed where the snow had been pushed away.

Wings are shapes that soar upward.

Looking at the wings, something stirred strangely inside me.

Soaring resembles escape.

Escape is a bad memory.

Still, Theodor was smiling.

Smiling wings aren’t bad.

I carefully lay down on the snow, my back against it.

The snow touched my back.

The coldness spread like a blanket.

The sky was above.

The sky was wide, and the clouds moved slowly.

Watching things move slowly makes my heart slow down a little.

When it slows down, my breathing deepens.

I took one deep breath.

The cold air filled my chest.

When filled, it’s not empty.

Lermiel lay down next to me.

His shoulder touched mine.

When it touches, it’s warm.

The warmth pushed away some of the snow’s coldness.

I glanced to the side.

Lermiel was looking at the sky.

His face looking at the sky was flat.

When it’s flat, it’s hard to read.

Being hard to read means there are still parts I don’t know.

Even with parts I don’t know, today wasn’t scary.

Theodor threw snow over us.

The snow fell onto our faces.

Coldness formed on my eyebrows.

I blinked.

When I blink, it disappears.

When it disappears, it’s okay.

Theodor smiled and said.

“Snow angels.”

The word “angels” entered my ears.

I didn’t hold onto that word for long.

If I hold onto it, the meaning grows.

When meaning grows, it becomes heavy.

I just lay on the snow and looked at the sky once more.

Sunlight slanted over the courtyard wall.

When light slants, it becomes afternoon.

Afternoon means half the day has passed.

Time that has passed doesn’t come back.

Things that don’t come back are scary, but today was okay.

I slowly got up and brushed off my coat.

Snow fell to the ground.

The fallen snow mixed back into the snow.

When it mixes, there’s no distinction.

When there’s no distinction, it’s less lonely.

I checked my pockets again.

Both the box and the small pouch were still there.

When they’re still there, it’s reassuring.

I looked at Lermiel once and said very quietly.

“I didn’t lose them.”

Lermiel nodded.

“Yeah.”

That answer felt like the period at the end of today.

* * *

“It seems like a lot has been shaken off.”

While receiving reports about No. 1, no, Rumel, Millayen muttered at a gathering with the elders he hadn’t seen in a long time.

Count Iden raised the corners of his mouth in a grin and said.

“He should become more stable from now on. Don’t you think so?”

“Yes, whether it’s the Founding Festival or the priests, make sure the child doesn’t have to worry about anything.”

“Yes.”

Millayen nodded heavily and closed his eyes for a moment.

And when he opened them again, his gaze had become Winter itself, the one called a monster by the world.

After a moment, he spoke.

“Now, shall we begin the meeting?”

Things like revenge should be safely arranged by the adults.

The same chilling smile appeared on the faces of Iden and the elders.

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Team. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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