Will You Cry for Me If I Die? - Chapter 85

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Team. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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Chapter 85

The flattened snow looks like bread dough.

I remembered making cookies earlier.

The butter scent from then, the wood fragrance, and the small chiming of the glass bottle.

That memory was warm.

When it’s warm, my insides become a little soft.

Since I’m unfamiliar with becoming soft, I pressed the snow harder.

At that moment, one glove fell onto the snow with a thud.

It was my glove.

When a glove falls, the hand is exposed.

When exposed, it’s dangerous.

I tried to grab the glove right away, but the wind blew and the glove slid across the snow.

When it slides, it moves away.

When it moves away, it might disappear.

I felt my heart drop with a thud.

My things must not disappear.

I hate things disappearing.

I tried to step forward but froze.

Lermiel moved first.

He looked in the direction the glove was going and jumped low across the snow.

Jumping low makes less noise.

Less noise means not getting caught.

Lermiel accurately stepped on the glove to stop it.

Then he picked it up.

He turned back toward me and held the glove with both hands to dust it off.

Even when dusting it off, he didn’t shake it hard.

Carefully, slowly.

I liked that method.

Lermiel stood in front of me and held out the glove.

I couldn’t take the glove and stopped for a moment.

If I take it, I have to show gratitude.

Showing makes you weak.

I hate becoming weak.

But I need the glove.

I have to take what I need.

I reached out very slowly.

So Lermiel’s fingertips wouldn’t brush my hand, he lowered the glove slightly.

That consideration shook my heart less.

I put on the glove and said.

“It didn’t disappear.”

Lermiel nodded.

“Yeah.”

His “yeah” today was also

short, which was good.

When spoken long, the heart shakes a lot.

Millayen was watching us.

His gaze wasn’t cold.

When it’s not cold, it’s okay to breathe.

He approached Theodor and drew a size with his palm, as if telling him not to make the snowball too big.

Theodor followed that and divided the snowball into small spheres.

When smaller, it’s less dangerous.

I watched those small spheres roll across the snow and opened my pocket.

Then I took out one wooden snowflake piece and gently pressed it into the snow.

A snowflake was carved into the snow.

It’s a trace.

Traces should be scary, but this trace is one I made.

Traces I made seem okay to disappear.

Even if they disappear, I can make them again.

Lermiel saw that and took out a star fragment to press into the snow.

A star appeared on the snow.

The star and snowflake were side by side.

Side by side means not alone.

Not alone means a little less scary.

I quietly learned that fact on the snowy field.

The wind was cold, but the thread on my wrist was roughly alive, and the small light of the glass bottle remained in my head.

I held onto those remaining things and prepared to walk back toward the castle.

* * *

On the way back to the castle, the wind grew fierce.

Snow flew sideways.

Sideways flying snow hits the face.

I hate getting hit in the face, so I pulled my coat collar up to my chin.

When the collar comes up, breathing becomes a little stuffy.

When stuffy, the heart also tightens.

I pressed the thread bracelet on my wrist firmly with my finger.

The rough thread caught on my fingertip and held me.

As the castle gate drew near, I could see snow stuck to the tips of the guards’ spears.

Spears are long and gleaming.

Gleaming things look dangerous.

But those spears weren’t pointing inward.

Spears pointing outward don’t stab me.

I confirmed that fact and moved my steps a little faster.

Once through the door, the air changed.

The sharp smell from outside disappeared, and the smell of stone walls mixed with the smell of wood came in.

The smell inside the castle is becoming familiar.

When familiar, it’s less scary.

I took off my gloves and rubbed my palms.

As my palms warmed up, my eyes relaxed a little.

Iden led us to the inner corridor.

The corridor was long, the ceiling was high, and the windows were narrow.

Light coming through narrow windows is thin, which is good.

Thin light doesn’t stab the eyes.

I walked following that light and saw a tapestry hanging on the wall.

Today I found one embroidered with a white bird instead of a wolf.

Birds fly away.

When they fly away, you can’t catch them.

I should hate things I can’t catch, but the thread bird was okay because it was attached to the wall.

I gently pressed the bird’s wing with my fingertip.

The thread was firmly embedded.

Theodor, who was heading to the dining hall, suddenly changed direction.

He said lightly.

“Today is somewhere different.”

Somewhere different is unfamiliar.

When it’s unfamiliar, you have to be cautious.

I immediately grabbed my pocket with my hand.

The wooden piece inside my pocket made a small tap sound.

That small sound calmed my heart.

Theodor took me up the stairs.

The stairs were made of stone, and the middle was slightly worn.

These were marks worn down by many people stepping on them.

Marks are traces.

When there are many traces, sometimes it’s a safe place.

This seemed like a place where many people lived.

At the top of the stairs was a large door.

The door looked heavy, and the handle was higher than my height.

I hate things I can’t reach, but Theodor grabbed the handle and opened the door for me.

When the door opened, warm air and the smell of paper rushed out.

The smell of paper is the smell of dry wood.

Dry wood resembles the forest, so it makes my heart comfortable.

Inside was a study.

Bookshelves filled the walls completely, and thick carpet was laid on the floor.

Carpet kills footstep sounds.

When footstep sounds die, my heart trembles less.

A fireplace was burning softly, and the firelight touched the book spines in gold.

Gold stands out, but this gold wasn’t aggressive.

It was just a warm color.

Demian was sitting at a table by the window.

He had documents spread out and was writing something with ink.

The smell of ink is a bit sharp.

I don’t like sharp things, but what Demian uses is a safe kind of sharpness.

I’ve become able to distinguish that.

Demian heard my footsteps and lifted his head.

His gaze looked at the snow stuck to my coat collar, glanced once at the bracelet on my wrist, then rose to my face.

That gaze was quick and precise.

When it’s precise, it doesn’t miss anything.

Adults who don’t miss anything keep me alive.

Demian spoke.

“Were you cold.”

I answered immediately.

“A little.”

If you say a little, you don’t look weak.

But actually I was very cold.

I didn’t say that fact.

Lermiel paused briefly at the study doorway.

A doorway is a boundary.

I also have the habit of stopping at boundaries.

He didn’t come next to me, but stood a little behind.

I hate people behind me, but Lermiel’s footsteps are quiet so I hate it less.

I’m practicing trusting that quietness.

Theodor tried to run toward the bookshelf but stopped.

Because Demian raised his hand and lightly blocked him.

Demian didn’t make a loud sound.

He just made a rule with one hand.

When rules are made, it becomes easier to move.

Theodor grumbled.

“Today is play.”

The word play is sweet.

Demian said

“Play quietly too.”

The words “play quietly” suited the study well.

I liked those words.

Iden set down the basket.

Inside the basket were small wooden boxes.

Each box was tied with string.

When I see tied strings, my heart tightens.

So I didn’t look directly at the boxes, but first looked at the carpet pattern on the floor.

The carpet pattern spread out in circles like snowflakes.

Round things are less threatening.

Iden said.

“Today is study exploration.”

Exploration is a word like dungeon.

Dungeons are dangerous.

I made my body stiff.

Theodor laughed and said.

“Are books a dungeon.”

I nodded my head very slightly at those words.

Books can be dangerous sometimes too.

If you’re read, you’re caught.

If you’re caught, you’re dragged away.

I have memories like that.

Lermiel took one step toward me.

He looked at my expression, then very slowly raised his hand and pointed to one book spine.

That book spine had a snowflake pattern stamped on it.

Snowflakes are mine.

When there’s something that seems like mine, it’s less scary.

I looked at that book and steadied my breathing inside, then took one step closer.

Theodor suddenly dragged over a small ladder.

The ladder wheels rolled dully on the carpet.

That sound wasn’t very sharp.

Theodor said.

“Go up.”

I looked at the ladder.

Height is scary.

If you’re high, you fall.

If you fall, it hurts.

I hate things that hurt.

I shook my head.

“I won’t go up.”

Theodor stuck out his lips.

“Then I will.”

The moment he tried to put his foot on the ladder, Demian raised his hand again.

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Team. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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