Will You Cry for Me If I Die? - Chapter 84

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Team. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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Chapter 84

But Theodor made a face that showed he couldn’t believe it.

His eyebrows went up a little.

That face was even more amusing, so I pressed my lips together again.

I rolled them inward.

Lermiel slowly picked out the pieces one by one.

His hands didn’t stop moving.

Before putting them in his pocket, he brushed the edges of each piece once with his thumb.

His fingertips moved along the surface.

If it’s rough, hands get hurt.

He checks beforehand.

It’s a habit of checking that beforehand.

The movement repeats.

That habit resembled mine, so I felt a little more at ease for no reason.

There was a same direction.

When the pocket practice ended, Iden opened the window.

The window frame creaked slightly.

Cold air came in.

The air pushed inward.

When cold air comes in, the smell inside the room changes.

The layered smells scatter.

The wood smell becomes clearer, and the bread smell grows distant.

The sweet smell went to the back.

The fading smell is regrettable, but the outside air clears the head.

The inside becomes clearer.

Iden said.

“Today is a walk.”

A walk is outside.

It’s crossing beyond the door.

Outside can be dangerous sometimes.

The boundaries are wide.

Still, the outside of Winter Castle is different from the forest.

The boundaries are visible.

Here there are fences, guards, and doors.

There are lines.

If there are doors, they can be closed.

When closed, things are cut off.

If they can be closed, it’s less scary.

You can make an end.

We put on coats.

The fabric wrapped around our bodies.

My coat felt thicker than my body.

There were many layers.

When it’s thick, it’s hard to move.

My arms became clumsy.

It’s difficult but warm.

Heat remained inside.

When it’s warm, anxiety decreases.

The body relaxes.

I walked while touching the buttons of my coat one by one.

My fingers followed the round shape.

Buttons are round and firm, so they calm the mind.

The shape doesn’t change.

When we went outside the castle, a snowy field spread out widely.

The view suddenly became wide.

The snow was dazzling as it caught the sunlight.

Light bounced up.

When it’s dazzling, eyes squint.

The field of vision narrows.

I rubbed around my eyes once with the back of my hand.

My eyes closed briefly.

Lermiel quietly raised his hand beside me to block the sunlight.

His palm blocked the light.

The shadow of that hand came down slightly over my face.

With the shadow, my eyes hurt less.

I hesitated then said quietly.

“Thank you.”

Lermiel nodded.

“Yeah.”

Theodor made a path ahead by stepping on the snow.

The path he made was crooked, but a path is a path.

When there’s a path, it’s easy to follow.

I walked along that path side by side with Lermiel.

A crunching sound came from under my feet.

The crunching sound is the sound of me being alive.

In the distance, a magpie cried once.

The sound passed over the cold air.

Magpie sounds are noisy, but today I didn’t dislike it.

Magpies stay alive even in winter.

If you’re alive, you can endure.

I thought that and gripped my pocket tightly.

Inside the pocket, the wooden pieces bumped against each other slightly.

Small bumps weren’t scary.

If non-scary sounds increase, I think my heart will also change little by little.

I quietly accepted that strange feeling and continued walking on the snowy field.

* * *

The snowy field path continued a little further outside the castle wall.

The castle wall was built high with stones, and thin snow clung to the top.

Stones with snow on them looked colder.

When something looks cold, I don’t want to go near it.

I only stepped on the path that was a little away from the castle wall.

Every time the wind blew, tree branches bumped into each other.

The bumping sound came out as the sound of dry branches.

Dry sounds seem like they’ll break, so I hate them.

But today that sound was distant.

When it’s distant, it’s less scary.

Theodor walked ahead, kicking snow with his feet.

The snow broke apart and small powder flew.

The powder sparkled in the sunlight.

The sparkles were small, so they were okay.

I walked while fiddling with the thread bracelet on my wrist.

Every time the rough thread caught on my fingertips, I felt like I was here.

That feeling was similar to the crisp sound under my feet.

Lermiel was walking quietly beside me.

His footprints were shallow.

Shallow footprints are hidden footprints.

Hidden footprints are safe footprints.

I tried matching my steps to Lermiel’s footprints once.

My footprints were much deeper.

Deep means heavy.

Heavy means getting caught.

I hate getting caught, so I stepped a little lighter.

Stepping lightly might make me fall.

So I said to myself.

‘Slowly.’

Slowly is a method Lermiel often uses.

I borrowed that method.

There was a small hill beside the path.

Coniferous trees were gathered on top of the hill.

Coniferous trees don’t bend even with snow on their heads.

Not bending means being strong.

Being strong looks safe.

I was walking while looking up at those trees when I saw my breath coming out white.

White breath looked like snow.

Looking like snow makes me feel smaller.

Getting smaller makes me easy to catch.

I exhaled a little less breath.

Then my chest felt stuffy.

Feeling stuffy brings up bad memories.

I exhaled again.

White breath came out.

It came out, but no one came to catch me.

I confirmed that fact and relaxed my toes a little.

Theodor suddenly stopped.

Stopping cuts off the path.

When the path is cut off, I become anxious.

I immediately gripped my pocket.

The wooden pieces inside my pocket bumped into each other with a small tap.

That small sound reached my hand.

I held onto that sound and looked toward Theodor.

Theodor pointed down the hill.

Below where his finger pointed, a small frozen pond was visible.

The pond was thinly covered with snow, and the ice beneath showed through in blue.

Blue ice looks deep.

Looking deep makes me feel like I’ll fall in.

Falling in means water.

Water is the cold water from the Research Institute.

I stopped walking as soon as I saw the pond.

Theodor tried to run toward the pond.

Running there is dangerous.

I immediately said.

“You can’t.”

Theodor turned toward me and said.

“Why?”

I pointed at the pond.

“You’ll fall in.”

Theodor snorted and said.

“It’s frozen.”

Even if it’s frozen, it can break.

If it breaks, it’s over.

I didn’t know how to explain that, so instead I raised my hand and waved my glove.

The glove is white.

White things stand out.

Standing out means adults will see.

I deliberately waved it big.

Then I heard footsteps from behind.

These footsteps were heavy and steady.

It’s Millayen.

As he got closer, the air changed.

When it changes, my body notices first.

I straightened my shoulders a little.

Straightening makes me shake less.

Millayen stood in front of us.

Snow was stuck to the edge of his cloak.

Having snow stuck means he’s been outside.

People who’ve been outside know danger.

I looked into Millayen’s eyes and said quietly.

“That place is dangerous.”

Millayen looked at the pond once, then looked down at Theodor.

He

“Don’t go near it.”

Those words were heavy and warm.

Heavy words press down on my heart.

Being pressed down makes excited feelings go down.

Theodor stuck out his lip.

“Just a little.”

Millayen shook his head.

“A little is the most dangerous.”

I heard those words and quietly memorized them inside.

A little is the most dangerous.

That existed in the Research Institute too.

Just a little more, just a little more, then the end.

I folded my fingers into my fist.

Millayen briefly looked at my gloved hand.

That gaze also touched the bracelet on my wrist.

I reflexively tried to hide my arm behind me.

The moment I tried to hide it, Millayen reached out and gently held my hand.

Holding gently isn’t grabbing.

Not pulling is less scary.

He lowered my hand down for me.

And

“It’s okay.”

The words “it’s okay” are heard often here.

When you hear them often, you start to believe them a little.

Though I hate believing things, today I briefly placed those words on my palm.

Millayen looked away from the pond and pointed to a low stone wall beside the path.

Snow was piled softly on top of the stone wall.

When it’s soft, it hurts less if you fall.

Millayen said.

“Only play over there.”

Being told you can play is a small permission.

Permission makes breathing easier.

I nodded my head.

Theodor scooped up snow from the stone wall with his hands.

The scooped snow clumped together.

He was trying to make a snowball when his fingers got cold, so he brought his hands to his mouth.

When you bring them to your mouth, they get wet.

When they’re wet, it’s colder.

Seeing that, I said

“Gloves.”

Theodor looked at my hands.

Lermiel also looked at my hands.

Without saying anything, Lermiel took off his gloves and held them out to Theodor.

The outstretched hand was quiet.

Quiet kindness doesn’t disturb my heart.

Theodor took the gloves and put them on, then packed the snow bigger instead of speaking.

I sat beside the stone wall and pressed snow with my palm.

The snow flattened into the shape of my palm.

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Team. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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