I’m Sick of the Kind Protagonist, so I Might as Well Just Die - Chapter 17

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Novels. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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#17
The first thing I purchased was a house.
‘Books say people need a space where they can be completely alone—their own home, their own room.’
Rowan’s childhood home, where ten people crowded together in a single space, and the basement room where she’d been confined away from prying eyes—neither had been truly hers.
‘You want me to compare? A basement without a single window isn’t a room—it’s a Prison.’
I stood before the bright, well-lit window overlooking the Imperial Palace Square and pressed the point to Rowan, who’d been pricking my heart with complaints about wasteful spending. Only then did she finally quiet down.
One week.
After securing a comfortable space to stay in that brief span of time, I began filling the house with all manner of beautiful frivolities. Both Rowan and I purchased flowing garments, ribbons, and glittering ornaments we’d never once dreamed of buying before, adorning ourselves with them. The problem was that we couldn’t agree on a single thing—not the fabric texture, not the color, not the cut, not the embellishments.
‘Shoes, though—I draw the line there. I can’t walk in high heels with narrow toes.’
Fortunately, Rowan and I shared identical shoe preferences. And we both rather enjoyed listening to the whispers that followed me through the Shopping District.
“Who is that woman? I heard she was a Maid at the Imperial Palace.”
“My cousin works at the Imperial Palace. Some rural notable paid to get her in, but apparently serving others didn’t suit her, so now she’s throwing money around like this.”
“Ah, that explains it. You don’t get that lean and toned unless you’re fed well.”
“I heard she’s the daughter of a military family that distinguished themselves in the last war.”
The rumors people invented on their own were quite entertaining.
‘Actually, it’s perfect. If word spreads that I worked at the Imperial Palace for a time, that I’m from an influential family, then I can show my face at Damian’s betrothal ceremony without suspicion.’
On the fourth day, I began purchasing explosives, fertilizer, and various chemicals.
“Excuse me, miss, but what on earth do you intend to use these for?”
“I secured a room overlooking that square, but I’m not entirely satisfied with it. I mentioned it to my father, and he said he’d buy me a secluded plot on the Rocky Mountain, so he told me to prepare things like this.”
“Ah, those ‘remote estates’ are quite fashionable among young people these days.”
“Exactly? I told my father about it, but being a rural gentleman, he didn’t believe me.”
“If you’re going to develop land on the Rocky Mountain, you’ll need quite a lot.”
“Yes. A lot. A very great lot.”
The shopkeeper handed over a substantial quantity of explosives without a shred of suspicion. It was thanks to how he’d witnessed and heard about my profligate spending over the past four days.
“No matter how strong a young lady is, you can’t carry something this heavy up to your room. We have a Warehouse near the Alley by that square, so shall I store it there? I’ll charge you a very reasonable storage fee. Even the Imperial Palace uses our Warehouse for major events—it’s that secure.”
I’d even secured storage space I hadn’t anticipated. In my previous three attempts, I’d managed only to extract gunpowder from celebratory fireworks set up to congratulate the betrothal ceremony and set fires with it.
Compared to that, this was a tremendous windfall. Explosives powerful enough to level the Imperial Palace Square, and a place to store them without suspicion.
‘Money really is supreme.’
Contemplating this newly reaffirmed truth, I wrapped the newly purchased items around myself and released a long sigh. Feeling as though I’d completed my tasks, I looked up at the sky as I made my way toward the Tearoom.
‘Spending someone else’s money, eating well—it’s surprisingly enjoyable. I never knew because I’d never done it before.’
Hoping this thought alone would escape Perenustus’s perception, I settled at an outdoor table of the famous Tearoom at the end of the Shopping District.
“Welcome. Let me show you to your seat.”
Perhaps from repeating the same routine over the past four days, the server now guided me to the outdoor table with practiced ease. It was a spot bathed in warm sunlight.
“Shall I prepare the same as last time? Or would you like to try today’s special menu?”
“Is there anything new?”
“Yes! We received some truly excellent strawberries today. I’d recommend the strawberry cake paired with white tea.”
“I’ll have that, then.”
Shortly after, the server brought the plate. The strawberry cake covered in pristine white cream on a pale blue dish, along with the matching tea set, was absolutely adorable. I grasped the delicate silver fork with its intricate filigree—so fine it seemed it would bend under pressure—and took a large bite of the cake.
‘Sweet.’
Unfortunately, no matter how many times I ate it, my impression remained the same. Simply the sweetness spreading across my palate. The crisp, tart flavor of fruit.
Still, it was nice. Neither Rowan nor I had experienced such flavors back home, so the novelty itself was a joy.
‘This is good.’
Cradling the teacup, I gazed at the peaceful scene before me, and the sentiment bubbled up unbidden. The passersby, the carriages rolling along the distant main road, the shops lined shoulder to shoulder, the cacophony of sounds—all of it was simply peaceful.
“Rowan.”
A familiar voice shattered that tranquility, calling my name. When I looked up, Damian stood there. Without his black hooded cloak, dressed impeccably in the sunlight, he truly looked every inch the prince. Absurdly so.
“Oh my. So you don’t wear the hood outside. You look like a completely different person.”
“What are you doing?”
“If you keep standing there interrogating me like that, you’ll draw everyone’s attention. Is that really what you want?”
“….”
“Just sit down naturally, as if we’d arranged to meet here.”
I kicked the chair across from me out from under the table, sliding it toward him. Damian glared at the chair I’d pushed with my foot before gritting his teeth and sitting down.
The moment our eyes met across the table, my heart thudded. It was Rowan’s emotion.
‘Here we go again.’
I clicked my tongue inwardly and set down my teacup. Damian resumed his interrogation in a low voice.
“Word of your behavior has spread even into the Imperial Palace. Do you realize that?”
“I didn’t know.”
“You need to explain properly what you’re doing.”
“It’s nothing extraordinary. I’m simply treating myself well.”
“…What?”
“When I think about it, I’ve worked incredibly hard for you and for my family.”
I lifted my teacup again as I spoke.
“But it seems I never properly treated myself, despite all that effort.”
“….”
Damian regarded me with a peculiar expression. The bewilderment reflected in his dark eyes was so vivid that laughter escaped me.
The moment I saw my own smiling face reflected on the surface of the tea, I admitted it with a touch of bitterness. This time was necessary not just for Rowan, but for me as well.
‘Not goals, not efficiency, not duties—just something meaningless that feels good. I’m only now learning the value of such things.’
My heart grew heavier rather than lighter. It felt like learning a truth I would have been better off never knowing. I shook off the bitter feeling and opened my mouth to address Damian.
“Tell your mother I’ll complete the task she gave me flawlessly, without the slightest error. If that’s why you came here—”
“You speak well. But would someone meant to do such work really go around drawing this much attention to herself?”
Just as Damian was about to press his complaint further, a staff member approached with a courtesy far exceeding what they’d shown me, placing an empty teacup before him with meticulous care.
I watched the employee retreat backward with measured steps before lowering my voice to a whisper.
“Now I can show my face at your engagement ceremony without anyone suspecting a thing. I’ve become quite the celebrity, after all.”
Damian held his breath and averted his gaze.
“Why that expression? Did you think I wouldn’t know about your engagement? How long were you planning to hide it? Until death?”
“….”
“Don’t make that face. I might fall for it again.”
“…You’re not falling for anything.”
Damian shot back. I looked at this petulant boy-like man, infused with Rowan’s longing, and opened my mouth.
“Damian. I’m not a ten-year-old village girl nursing an unrequited crush on a pretty young master. And it’s your delusion that my family sold me off to follow you to the Imperial Capital.”
“What?”
“You know, I was only kind to you because it was easy and amusing. I’ve known since the days when you were the young master of the Forest Estate and I was a tenant farmer’s daughter. Even knowing all of that, I just desperately wanted to be by your side. That was all.”
My heart sank. But I didn’t stop—I pressed on.
“So Damian, you don’t have to pretend to care about me anymore, or lie about your concern. It’s alright.”
Damian stared at me with wounded eyes, as though he’d forgotten what he meant to say. I didn’t look away from his gaze.
“That’s right. Don’t make that expression. I truly understand that I’m not even in a position to dare aspire to stand beside a prince.”
“…Enough. What could you and I possibly say to each other?”
“I think an apology would be appropriate, at least. Human to human.”
This was my true heart speaking—not Rowan’s, but Aurelia’s. If I had manipulated people so skillfully for my own gain and used them my whole life, and then even tried to hide the fact of my engagement, then I owed an apology.
For a moment, Damian seemed about to say something, but he clamped his lips shut instead. When I poured tea into his cup and gestured for him to speak freely, he simply rose from his seat.
“You went to the trouble of pouring. At least finish your cup before you go.”
“Ha.”
He laughed bitterly, and standing there, drained the tea in one gulp, emptying the cup. As he turned coldly away as if unwilling to exchange another word, I offered him Rowan’s farewell.
“Thank you.”
“For what…?”
Caught off guard, the man who had been leaving paused and turned to look at me. I spoke as calmly as I could, drawing out the deepest desire hidden in Rowan’s heart.
“It was a wish. That you wouldn’t be ashamed of me, that you’d dress me well and sit across from me without caring who was watching, and talk with me over tea.”
“….”
“It was a wish so ill-suited to me that I never dared speak it aloud.”
Damian looked at me as though he might cry if struck, then shook his head and left.
“Ah. I forgot to say goodbye.”
I gazed at the teacup he’d left behind and murmured my lament. Then I lifted my own cup and clinked it gently against his, as if in a toast.
“Farewell.”
After offering the parting he never heard, I drained what remained of my tea.
Now I felt as though I could truly die without regret. Really and truly.

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Novels. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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