Hiding My Identity From My Husband - Chapter 21

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Novels. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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Episode 21

I blinked.
It was the third time I’d heard it since returning to the Empire, but I never got used to being called lovable. It didn’t suit me.
Unable to respond, I simply rolled my eyes, and Rue let out a soft laugh.
“Everyone probably thinks the same thing. They just don’t say it.”
I narrowed my brows slightly, remembering my time at Catakl.

—They brought in some gutter rat and actually think he’s become a real agent. Dial it back. Know your place.
—What good is throwing your body around if your mind can’t keep up?

No matter how hard I tried or how well I performed, the people at Catakl never acknowledged me. And they hated me.
I’d accepted it as inevitable.
I was someone who couldn’t be loved.
But then…
That I’m lovable.
A bitter laugh escaped me.
“You’re mistaken. There’s no way.”
“Charel.”
But Rue was firm.
“I’m certain. Think back to your time at Guardian.”
At Guardian…

—Hey, hey, hey! Charel’s here!
—Let’s sneak off for a drink today. Since everything wrapped up safely thanks to you, we’ll treat!

Fine. I’ll admit it.
They really did treat me well.
Even young ladies like Everlyn and Floria treated me well.
But…
‘I’m deceiving them.’
Those who know my true self hate me,
while those deceived by my lies like me.
What conclusion could one draw from this situation?
‘That no one could ever love my true self.’
A sharp ache bloomed in my chest. A sigh slipped out.
“And Mardi looks at you fondly too, doesn’t she?”
Rue added further.
“Hasn’t she been taking such careful care of you today?”
Suddenly, I remembered Mardi stopping me just before I’d left.

—You’re going out dressed that thin? What will you do if you catch a cold? Wouldn’t you wear a Muffler at least?

I blinked several times.
“Mardi seems more worried than looking at me fondly… it’s just concern.”
Then Rue smiled warmly.
“Isn’t that just what you want to believe?”
Not understanding the meaning, I tilted my head.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m saying that sometimes it’s important to accept others’ sincerity.”
I held my breath for a moment. Rue continued.
“You neglect yourself sometimes, so you need to feel more of the people around you who care about you.”
People around me who care about me.
Do such people
even exist?
This time, scenes from my life at Catakl—not Guardian—flashed through my mind before vanishing just as quickly. I felt my slightly flushed cheeks grow cold.
“Understanding such things matters less than succeeding at the mission. You don’t need to worry about anyone else’s feelings.”
Roux’s expression becomes inscrutable.
He gazes down at me with eyes that seem to hold a measure of pity.
Something about that gaze unsettles me, and without meaning to, I lower my head.
“Charel.”
Roux continues.
“I wish for you to be happy.”
“…Why?”
“Because that’s the only way I can be happy too.”
My head snaps up of its own accord.
And there he is—smiling more gently than ever before.
Roux, suffused with a brightness like sunlight, his smile luminous and warm.
“So then.”
He extends a hand toward me.
“Let’s do our best together.”
Do our best at what…?
“The mission.”
…….
Ah.
The mission.
He really does know how to confuse a person.

* * *

The moment we return to the Mansion, Mardi greets me as though she’s been waiting all along.
“Charel! Welcome back! Let me have a look—are you hurt anywhere? You’re not cold, are you? No chills?”
“No, no, I’m fine. Really, no problems.”
“Oh, thank goodness!”
Mardi lets out a relieved breath and places a hand over her chest.
Beside her, Roux hands his overcoat to the butler and remarks casually.
“Seems I don’t warrant the same concern. I went out underdressed as well.”
“Haha, you’re always so healthy, Roux.”
Mardi dismisses his quip lightly and pulls me by the arm.
“First, let’s get you a bath. Then I’ll have dinner ready for you right away. Does that sound all right?”
“Yes, that’s fine. Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it!”
Mardi squeezes my hand firmly.
The sudden warmth startles me, and my eyes widen without thinking.
But if I pull away now, I’ll only embarrass her—and besides, I find myself conscious of Roux’s attention.
So I have no choice but to follow Mardi meekly up to the second floor.
“Today I’ve added Lilac Oil to the bathwater. It should help you find peace of mind.”
Mardi speaks as she helps me undress outside the bathroom.
“Yes, that’s all well and good, but…”
I deliberately avoid her gaze as I continue.
“Mardi, listen.”
“Yes?”
“Why do so much for me?”
Mardi’s eyes widen. I hesitate, my eyes fixed on the corner of her mouth.
“Roux mentioned it to me. He said seeing the scars on my body pained him.”
“Well… that is true, but…”
“I don’t want pity.”
Of course, the scars covering my body are more than enough to stir compassion and sympathy in anyone who sees them.
But I don’t want to be pitied.
It’s not merely that I’m satisfied with my life as it is now.
If I allow my past to be pitied, won’t I begin to think that every step of the path I’ve walked has been wrong?
“That was the past, and this is the present. I’ve forgotten the past. I hardly remember it anymore.”
So I choose not to look back upon what came before.
I want only to look forward—to the present and the future.
“So… I appreciate that you look after me, but I’d rather you didn’t see me as pitiful.”
Mardi, still holding my outer garment, lowers her head slowly.
I wonder if perhaps I’ve hurt her, but what else could I do.
It was something I had to address, at least once.
“Well.”
Mardi lifted her bowed head and continued slowly.
“It would be a lie to say I feel no sympathy for you.”
“Yes.”
“But what I feel for you, Miss, isn’t sympathy alone. It’s something far greater than that.”
“Something greater?”
“Yes. It’s just…”
Mardi smiled, the expression deliberate and tight.
“I want to hold you—the you of your past.”
All at once, my heart plummeted like a stone dropped into an abyss.
“I want to tell you that it’s all right, that things will get better if you just wait a little longer, that no matter how hard it hurts, you mustn’t give up—and then hold you while I say it.”
My brow furrowed without my meaning it to.
It wasn’t that her words upset me.
Rather, something welled up inside me—a feeling I couldn’t name.
What if the me of the past had heard words like these?
Would I have endured better?
Would I have fought harder to survive those hellish days?
I don’t know.
But one thing is certain: Mardi’s feelings are no mere pity. My eyelids trembled.
“Why… would you go so far?”
Mardi answered without hesitation.
“Because I love you, Miss.”
Love, she said.
……
Something is wrong with my heart.
I thought I was someone who could never be loved.
That someone like me had no right to receive love.
That I was incapable of being loved at all.
I was certain of it…
“That’s why I hope you’ll find happiness, Miss.”
Why does everyone say such things to me?
From Lu onward, and now Mardi too.
And I…
‘am deceiving them all.’
I’m a spy sent from the Empire to Seongguk.
And so,

—I wish Charel could find happiness.

If Lu’s words were truly sincere, then I am committing a sin against her.
And so…
I cannot allow myself to be happy.
I mustn’t be.

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Novels. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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