Debut or Die - Chapter 146

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Novels. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com

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A Fatal Illness if I Don’t Debut – Episode 146
“Come on, say cheese~”
The shutter clicked. Testa, sitting by the swimming pool with their arms linked, smiled toward the camera.
Of course, I was included in that shot.
“The photos turned out great. Thank you for your hard work~”
“Thank you!”
Since we’d come all the way to America, we were filming a Summer package—a combination of photo spreads and simple reality content.
And for this video content, under the Production Team’s request to capture “combinations we don’t usually see,” roommate assignments were made.
Which meant Park Moon-dae and Ryu Chung-woo ended up sharing a room.
Ah, and he’s even bringing it up now.
“Moon-dae, a towel.”
“…Yes.”
I snatched the towel and wiped my neck. My stomach churned.
‘Damn.’
I’m doing my best to hold back, but I’m not sure if the camera’s catching it.
‘…This is hopeless.’
I know it myself.
It’s not Ryu Chung-woo’s fault.
But what am I supposed to do when those damned memories keep coming back? Every time I see him… it surfaces.
Because of that, the roommate content is completely ruined. We barely talk in the room.
This was my limit.
I just hope no rumors about conflict break out. Once… once we get back to South Korea and spend some time apart, it’ll get better.
‘…I’m losing my mind.’
The moment break time was called, I stood up.
Soon they’d probably make the roommates do some water slide together, so I figured I’d put distance between us while I could.
But then someone followed me.
“Um, um…”
“What.”
“Th-this.”
Sun Ah-hyun, who’d followed me, held out a takeout cup. It contained a steaming beverage.
Since he was holding one in his own hand too, it looked like the staff had distributed them.
“…”
I accepted the cup. If I didn’t, he’d keep trying to talk to me.
After handing me the drink, Sun Ah-hyun didn’t leave but sat down at an awkward distance.
Instead of speaking, he sipped his own beverage while glancing at me cautiously.
It was quiet.
“…”
My shoulders relaxed.
I brought the hot drink to my lips as I sat casually on the flower bed.
‘It’s hot chocolate.’
It was sickeningly sweet.

* * *
After riding a water slide that cut through what felt like a shark aquarium, we gathered for a Q&A content segment.
It was bearable.
“Great! Then let me draw a question!”
Big Sae-jin smiled and pulled a question from the container.
“Hmm, ‘The member you’ve gotten closest to recently’—I won’t get many votes for this one. Because I was already close with everyone~”
Let’s wrap this up quickly.
“Lee Sae-jin for me.”
“Wow! So Park Moon-dae’s been relying on me a lot lately? That’s really touching! I’ll pick Park Moon-dae too~”
Big Sae-jin swiftly shifted his demeanor and patted my back with a laugh.
“So, what about our Yu-jin?”
“Bae Sae-jin! I like my roommate.”
Since we moved on to the next person right away, there was no need to say more. I’d answered with enough humor that it wouldn’t seem strange.
“Haha, me again?”
The chatter and laughter continued for a while longer.
After several more questions passed… as we neared the end.
The final question came up.
“This is the last question card. ‘What life experience was difficult but that you managed to overcome?’ Hmm, this seems like a question that could bring up many examples.”
“…Ah~ isn’t that a bit gloomy for the last one? Would you like a chance to draw another?”
“…? I think it’s meaningful and good!”
The Q&A continued with Kim Rae-bin’s response.
…Starting with Ryu Chung-woo.
“Well, an experience overcoming hardship. Actually, when I quit archery… it wasn’t by choice. During a family trip when I was young, there was a car accident,”
Stop.
“The aftereffects from that were the reason.”
…No, we’re filming. Think about something else.
“But meeting all of you and being able to debut and work like this, I can now accept it as a turning point in my life. Thank you, guys. I’m grateful, Reviewer!”
“Nice!”
“…Is it okay to talk about something like this?”
“Haha, I think this is the first time I’ve talked about this in front of a camera, but since the fans will see it, I thought I’d give it a try.”
“Wow, Chung-woo’s experience is intense~ let’s just concede and draw a new one? Yu-jin needs to draw one too!”
“I’ll draw!”
I felt like I was going to throw up.
“…Park Moon-dae!”
“Wait. Bathroom.”
I got up from the sofa and left the brightly lit room. I ran through the connected dark corridor and entered the bathroom.
“Gasp.”
Fortunately, nothing came up my throat. Or was that fortunate? If I focused on the act, I could stop thinking about it….
“Shut up.”
I turned on the faucet at the sink and plunged my head under the water.
Cold water was soothing.
“…Moon-dae!”
“Park Moon-dae, are you alright?”
“Hyung!”
I heard voices calling from outside. At least it was in-house content production. If this were a broadcast, there’d be no way to contain it.
‘I need to get out.’
But I couldn’t lift my head from the water. Just a bit longer… just a little more….
“Stop.”
I lifted my head from the water.
After hastily wiping away the moisture, I opened the bathroom door.
A few staff members and members were standing outside.
“…I’m sorry. I’m not feeling well.”
“No, it’s fine. Are you able to film now?”
“…Yes.”
Big Sae-jin cut in.
“Park Moon-dae. They said we can postpone filming here. If you need to rest….”
“It doesn’t matter either way. Let’s just do it.”
I shook off the remaining water and continued filming.
This time, it wrapped up without major issues.
“See you again, Reviewer~”
But I realized something.
At this rate, something seriously bad was going to happen.
‘I need to come up with a plan.’
That evening, after all the main filming was finished.
Instead of returning to the room where Ryu Chung-woo was, I went to the Hotel Rear Garden to organize my thoughts.
First, my condition was unmistakably PTSD. There was no room for debate.
The problem was that I’d assumed this would fade with time, but now that it had come to this, I was beginning to doubt how long it would actually take.
‘…There’s no answer.’
If my recovery took more than two or three months, it could create problems with future Testa activities.
In that case, I could only hope that even if I died from an abnormal condition, restart would still be possible.
‘…The real problem is that I’m starting to think it’d be fine if everything just ended.’
It was clear something was wrong with my mental state. I let out a sigh.
Bzzzzzz—
At that moment, my smartphone in my pocket vibrated.
I pulled it out to check, and an unexpected name was calling me.
[VTIC Chung-ryeo Senior]
It was Chung-ryeo.
“…Sigh.”
Normally, I wouldn’t even pick up. But right now, I need to take this call.
I have to ask if he’s ever received compensation for this damned abnormal condition.
“…Hello?”
When I answered, a slightly puzzled voice responded.
-Hmm, I didn’t expect you to pick up right away.
“Yes. I see. What’s the matter?”
-It’s been a while since I called, so don’t be like that… How have you been?
“If there’s no business, I’ll state mine first.”
-Ha ha, alright.
“Have you ever seen anything like a hallucination?”
-…A hallucination?
“While doing missions.”
-….
There was silence on the other end of the line for a moment, then an answer came.
-Ah, something’s gone wrong.
“…!”
-Your grades? Work? No, it wouldn’t be that… Something more uncontrollable? Then interpersonal relationships?
“….”
-It’s interpersonal relationships.
What kind of bastard is this.
-You seem to be under extreme stress, and… since you say it causes more stress when I talk, I can’t really give advice.
He thinks I’m seeing hallucinations because of stress.
If that’s the case, then this bastard has never received compensation for an abnormal condition.
Advice, huh.
“Go ahead.”
-Really?
Yeah, that’s right. Anyway, I don’t think I’ll care about anything he says right now.
Let me hear him ramble about the restart.
Then a calm voice came through the phone.
-There’s no need to feel stressed.
“….”
-After all, if we go back to the beginning, all the emotional energy you’re spending now means nothing. Just… next time, I’ll exclude it. That’s how I think about it.
“….”
-It disappears anyway.
…It disappears, he says.
For the first time, I clearly considered the possibility.
What if I really can go back?
What if I also return to Park Moon-dae’s twentieth birthday if I fail?
Then all of the twenty-two-year-old Park Moon-dae up to now becomes as if it never happened, and I start from the beginning again.
Since I’ve done it once, it would definitely be easier. If I even take one lottery number with me, I could live somewhere with decent security from the start.
And from the beginning, I could have done better. I already knew everything.
Avoiding all the exhausting and embarrassing incidents that erupted from Ajusa’s first shoot through debut, creating a group with more suitable members instead….
‘No.’
…I didn’t want to do that.
Funny thing is, even if I overcame the condition entirely that way….
It didn’t seem like it would satisfy me more than now.
Because all that hardship and hassle, everything I created together with these young snot-nosed kids… had somehow become my achievement.
And even if I made it again, it could never carry the same meaning.
Of course, the situation was pretty miserable right now. Still, it didn’t make financial sense to give up the present for this.
My head cleared a bit.
I opened my mouth.
“Since it could disappear, I should try to do better.”
-…That.
“Thank you for the advice, senior.”
-You’ll regret it.
“Well, I’ll do it. What’s the point of not doing it? Then I’ll head back inside.”
I hung up the phone.
And I thought.
‘This bastard actually helps sometimes.’
Surprisingly, my rationality that had left home seemed to have returned through the call with Chung-ryeo.
So let me objectively find the best choice in the current situation.
If there’s no sign of recovery like this… there’s only one answer.
‘Halt activities due to health issues.’
From experience, taking medicine and living in seclusion alone for about a month should help somewhat. This is better than rumors of discord.
If the company refuses, well… I’ll have to accept the discord rumors.
If I explain to the others that looking at Ryu Chung-woo’s face makes me feel like I’d become a psychopath, they’ll minimize contact between Park Moon-dae and Ryu Chung-woo as much as possible.
It’ll be awkward for both, but I should tell them to complain to the company for holding onto someone who needs recuperation.
Still, since I want to minimize damage as much as possible, I hope the company accepts the activity halt.
‘Is this it?’
I left the garden and started heading back to my room.
I’d calmed down a bit, so I thought I could at least greet him.
‘I’ll endure somehow until this summer package shoot ends.’
There’s no other way, and since I’m leaving tomorrow anyway, it’ll be done once I get the ending cut.
I just need to bear it.
But when I opened the door and entered, I saw something I couldn’t have imagined.
“…You’re back?”
Ryu Chung-woo was sitting in a chair with an overflowing pile of soju bottles on the table.
“….”
I slowly backed away and stepped outside, then closed the door again….
“They collected all the cameras. You can drink.”
“….”
In that moment, I realized how desperately I wanted a drink.
‘Damn it.’
I knew drinking wouldn’t help in this situation. But….
“Here.”
I reached out and took the bottle. I popped the cap off.
I brought it straight to my lips.
Only then did I notice my mouth trembling. My teeth clattered against the bottle’s opening.
“….”
Standing with my back turned, I kept chugging the alcohol down my throat.
My mind went blank.
Then, I heard a voice.
“You’re holding something back from me.”
“….”
“You’re keeping quiet because you’re afraid that if you let it out, things will become irreversible. Am I right?”
The sound of carbonation hissed.
“Just tell me. I don’t get hurt easily by things like this.”
So basically, even if I tell you, you won’t understand the situation.
This isn’t…, this isn’t something that can be understood by common sense.
And this bastard isn’t even at fault.
Since I didn’t even know his name to begin with, he must be a distant relative I barely knew. The Pungsan Ryu Clan does so much together that I probably ended up going along with them without thinking.
‘And since that kid had such a major accident, his parents probably didn’t have time to worry about anything else. So at the funeral too, I didn’t see….’
I brought the bottle to my lips again.
I couldn’t bear it, damn it.
I grabbed a fresh bottle. His calm voice came again.
“…Fine. Then just tell me within what you can tolerate. I absolutely won’t tell anyone.”
“….”
“I won’t mention the company or the hospital or anything like that.”
In that moment, words I’d never even considered spilled out of my mouth.
“I’m jealous.”
“Huh?”
“I’m envious.”
And as I said it, I understood.
I was jealous of this bastard.
I wished I had gone on that trip like Ryu Chung-woo and gotten hurt, so my parents would have ridden in the ambulance with me instead of going to that damn Pension.
It wasn’t just because the accident came to mind—this bastard irritated me.
Watching him talk about the greatest stroke of luck in life as a trial twisted my insides.
“Your parents are fine and you get to do whatever you want while living… I’m jealous.”
“…!”
I set down the empty bottle and breathed heavily.
I’d spouted such insane nonsense, and yet… strangely, it felt refreshing.
Ryu Chung-woo was silent for a long time.
Then, after a moment, he handed me another bottle.
“Did you remember something from back then while sleeping?”
“What?”
“Kim Rae-bin told me. He said you seemed to recall old memories while sleeping.”
“….”
“When I brought up the aftereffects of the car accident… it must have sounded like complaining on a full stomach.”
…It seemed he was misunderstanding that Park Moon-dae’s parents had died in a car accident.
In front of someone whose family had died in a car accident, complaining about aftereffects from one must have felt pathetic.
…It was similar, in a way.
“I’m sorry for saying that.”
“You don’t need to apologize.”
“Still, hearing an apology makes me feel a bit better. Look, we’re having a real conversation for the first time in a while.”
“….”
“Moon-dae. It’s… okay to talk about things like this comfortably.”
Ryu Chung-woo opened another bottle.
“When people face fear and pain… it’s natural to get angry and blame others. That’s fine.”
“….”
“Even when I quit archery, I was like that. Maybe there wouldn’t have been such nonsense otherwise.”
Ryu Chung-woo smiled faintly.
“But you seem unable to do that. Since you’re okay now, do it while you can. How can anyone live rationally all the time?”
“….”
I set the bottle down.
My hands trembled slightly.
“…I didn’t want to live struggling.”
I’d thought I was getting by reasonably well.
Until high school graduation, I received support from various places, and with my knack for handwork, I managed to scrape together a living somehow.
I’d thought it wasn’t the worst, but really, I was just enduring because I had no choice—I must have actually hated it.
“But I can’t live that way, and it’s damn frustrating.”
“…Yeah.”
“It’s… heavy.”
I opened a fresh bottle.
I’d expected to feel awkward after saying something like this, but surprisingly, it felt fine.
It might be the alcohol, but… either way, that’s how it was right then.
I drank slowly.
I’m not sure because I was getting drunk, but after that, I seemed to ramble on without context, just words and sentences strung together.
Ryu Chung-woo didn’t particularly interject, but he responded occasionally.
Then, only at the end did he speak up.
“We decided not to talk about the hospital… but still, when we go back to South Korea, it’d be better if you got counseling. With Sun Ah-hyun.”
“….”
“It’s not that you seem mentally off—it’s that you look exhausted. That’s why I’m saying this.”
“Yeah.”
“You made good money. Spend some of it on yourself.”
“Yeah.”
I swallowed my drink.
“But honestly, it’s still hard to see you like this.”
Ryu Chung-woo’s expression went blank for a moment, then he laughed out loud for the first time.
“Ha ha, let’s take it slow. It’s not like we’re only going to see each other for a month or two. We can keep some distance and take our time, right?”
“…Yeah.”
He was right.
“But Moon-dae. Use formal speech, will you? When did you start speaking casually?”
“…!”
I’d completely… forgotten.
I resumed formal speech as he requested and continued drinking.
The conversation drifted to other topics and we weren’t sitting face-to-face, but it wasn’t awkward.
I found out the next day that all those bottles charged through room service came with an insane price tag, but I didn’t regret it much.
And after returning to South Korea, fortunately, a new schedule awaited me with pockets of free time scattered throughout.
It was a personal appearance I’d postponed due to the trip to America.

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Novels. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com

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