A Blank Slate Regression for the Idol That Lost His Original Mindset - Chapter 241

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Team. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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A Regression Guide for Idols Who Lost Their Initial Intentions Episode 241

I took my hands off the synthesizer keys and roughly shoved them into my jersey pockets while glaring at the monitor as if trying to bore holes through it.

When I was working on , the title track of our first full album that followed , I did experience a slump due to anxiety from the unexpected massive success of , but it wasn’t to the point where not a single musical idea would come to mind.

It felt like my mind had regressed to those early days when I first started learning composition.

“It’s because I’m unsettled, that’s why I’m unsettled.”

I muttered excuses to myself as I turned off the computer and stood up.

My mood had been ruined by Choi Hyeonmin’s sarcasm and Kwon Yunseong’s damn pity, and that was affecting my condition too. I’d feel better after a good night’s sleep.

‘Fuck, like hell I’d feel better.’

I lay in bed with hollow eyes from staying up all night, glaring at the ceiling before irritably pulling out the earphones I’d stuck in my ears.

Even after listening to all my work, including unfinished tracks, no musical inspiration came to mind that made me think “this is it.”

In the midst of all this, it was somewhat admirable that Kim Dobin had woken up without me having to wake him.

Dobin, who I guess thought I was still sleeping, approached stealthily on tiptoes, and our eyes met directly in mid-air.

I asked the startled Dobin curtly.

“What. Why. Is it that surprising that I’m awake and didn’t go for my morning workout?”

“N-no, that’s not it.”

Dobin shook his head vigorously, muttering that he almost got PTSD, and quickly backed away.

From his muttering about evil spirits or something, it seemed he’d been watching The Exorcist until dawn yesterday.

Why does someone so damn scared watch stuff like that at night?

I grabbed the back of Dobin’s neck as he tried to get back under the covers and sent him out of the room, then enjoyed the quiet again in what had become a private room.

I opened my phone’s memo app to try scribbling some lyrics as part of my morning routine, but maybe because I hadn’t slept, my head felt foggy and nothing came to mind.

‘Damn, this is all because I skipped my morning workout.’

When called to eat, I rubbed my dry eyes and came out of my room.

As I plopped down in a chair at the already set dining table, Gyeon Hajun looked at my complexion and asked.

“Did you pull an all-nighter?”

“Just, preparing for the next album.”

Too proud to tell the truth, I made up a reasonable excuse as I picked up my utensils.

“Your songs are good, so don’t put too much pressure on yourself, hyung. Art is a matter of taste, not something with predetermined correct answers. Even Beethoven and Mozart’s music divide people’s tastes, so naturally K-pop tastes can be divided too.”

“Right, if every song became a hit, that wouldn’t be talent but divine intervention.”

Following Ryu Jaehee’s comfort, Seo Yehyeon added what might or might not have been comforting words. Yehyeon definitely had no talent for consolation.

The rice felt like chewing sand grains.

Contrary to my expectation that I’d be able to overcome this quickly, sleepless days continued.

I tried heading to the studio at dawn because it felt wasteful to just lie in bed killing time, but whether at the dorm or the studio, I couldn’t accomplish anything either way.

Today too, I’d rushed out of the dorm at dawn and was blankly staring at the monitor with DAW open in the studio when a sudden thought made me bite my lips.

If you take music away from me, what remains?

Music was the only thing that didn’t turn its back on me until the very end, but if even that music turns away from me, what am I supposed to take pride in and live for now?

Rap? What meaning is there in a rapper who can’t compose or write lyrics?

Was my self-esteem always this low? Was my mental state so weak that I couldn’t even brush off failure and get back up?

I craved the cigarettes I’d quit. Those cigarettes I used to put to my lips during times when I couldn’t endure without them because life was so hard – why was I thinking of them again now?

As if possessed, I put on my jacket and went down to the convenience store, about to ask the part-timer for a pack of cigarettes when I realized I hadn’t brought my ID and hesitated.

When the part-timer’s face showed confusion as they looked at me standing dumbfounded in front of the register, I suddenly came to my senses, realizing what I’d been about to do.

It was fortunate that not having my ID served as a brake.

I shoved a lollipop I’d grabbed instead of cigarettes into my mouth and let out a deep sigh instead of cigarette smoke.

[Ride or Die ─ Reve]

[Rating ★★★☆☆]

[A turning point or just a brief deviation?

For a group that leads K-POP-style electronic pop and hip hop music to attempt an image transformation with the future house genre, the song lacked the impact needed to serve as a springboard for growth. While efforts to capture musicality were evident, it slightly missed current trends, making it disappointing in terms of mass appeal.

─Popular Music Critic Ju Gijeong]

I couldn’t sleep, made no progress on work, and all I could do was analyze the reasons for failure.

Despite writing extensively, it ultimately meant we failed to lead trends.

Fuck, what good does knowing the reason do? The next song to overcome that failure won’t come out no matter how much I rack my brain.

I impulsively lifted the keyboard toward the monitor, then hesitated at a sudden headache. I felt an intense sense of déjà vu.

A déjà vu as if I’d once thrown a keyboard at a monitor before. Even though that couldn’t be possible.

* * *

Since we had similar years of experience and similar member counts, sharing a waiting room with KICKS had become familiar by now.

It’s just that seeing those bastards’ faces always put me in a foul mood.

However, since they also showed obvious discomfort whenever they faced Gyeon Hajun, I decided to call it even.

Whether Kwon Yunseong had really kept Choi Hyeonmin in check, except for the first day we encountered them, Hyeonmin hadn’t picked fights with us.

If we’d been in a waiting room with other groups, we could have had conversations and created a harmonious atmosphere, but this waiting room, packed with two groups whose relationship had been ruined from their debut days entirely due to those bastards’ fault, only had conversations among members of the same group.

I was sitting on the sofa in the center of the waiting room, eyes closed in a dazed state from not sleeping for days, when I felt someone sit next to me.

Naturally assuming it was one of our members, I said with my eyes still closed.

“Get me some water.”

Thunk, when a water bottle touched my hand and I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was blonde hair.

Since none of our members had dyed their hair blonde, I roughly rubbed my eyes that hadn’t received makeup yet.

As my blurry vision came into focus, I could see the face of the person who’d handed me the water.

“…Thanks.”

I awkwardly expressed my gratitude as I opened the water bottle cap and gulped it down.

I wanted to ask why the hell he was sitting here, but since this sofa was for common use by waiting room occupants, I couldn’t claim ownership, so I chose to just keep my mouth shut.

Even though we were sitting side by side, the awkward atmosphere flowing between us reminded me again that we were no longer friends.

If this had been back when we were close, such awkward silence would have been unimaginable.

“This song is good.”

Kwon Yunseong broke the silence first. However, the conversation topic was quite unwelcome.

Although our music ranking had rebounded, we still couldn’t surpass KICKS’ new song .

“Are you pitying me?”

At my unnecessarily sharp words, Kwon Yunseong frowned and grumbled.

“Why are you twisting everything and making a fuss? It’s totally my taste, you bastard.”

Come to think of it, Kwon Yunseong liked deep house genres. A memory of us lightly bumping fists, saying we’d found someone with matching music taste in a genre that divided opinions, surfaced from deeply buried recollections.

─It sounds familiar now, so it’s like a masterpiece

─Can’t people who call this a flop distinguish between unfamiliar and bad???

─It was slightly awkward on first listen, but the more you listen, the more addictive and good it gets?

─If you’re chanting like a ritual bottle and calling this difficult… lol Have you never listened to truly difficult and heavy songs?

─A song that got absolutely trashed because of Maple ㅠㅠ It’s definitely not that bad thoughㅠ

─Are all these haters targeting producer members really Daydream fans? Isn’t this trolling? Isn’t this the perfect situation for trolling?

Thanks to the positive/objective fan reactions that Ryu Jaehee had diligently collected and sent me, I knew the song divided tastes but was an extreme favorite for those whose tastes it matched, but it felt strange that one of those people was Kwon Yunseong, who’d cut ties with me.

Kwon Yunseong looked at me with an expression suggesting something didn’t sit right with him and spoke again.

“So stop wandering around looking like you haven’t slept for several nights. Acting so deathly and sharp just because your results weren’t great isn’t like you─”

A foot that suddenly intruded between us cut off Kwon Yunseong’s words.

“Can you move so I can sit here?”

Gyeon Hajun tapped Kwon Yunseong’s foot as if telling him to move. Yunseong, who seemed dumbfounded as he looked up at Hajun, surprisingly moved aside obediently.

Hajun, who had deliberately squeezed between us, immediately addressed me.

“Get your makeup done and catch some sleep before recording. You came back from the studio this morning again.”

“I’m fine, I caught a quick nap at the studio.”

“You don’t look like someone who slept at all?”

At the stylist noona’s call, Gyeon Hajun pushed my back. Gyeon Hajun sitting side by side with Kwon Yunseong bothered me for no reason.

Since they look at each other like complete strangers, surely they wouldn’t fight…?

When Reve finished recording and returned to the waiting room, KICKS, who were last in order, went out.

Only then did I carefully ask Gyeon Hajun, making sure not to seem like I was taking Kwon Yunseong’s side.

“Why did you cut him off?”

“Because what Kwon Yunseong says only adds more burden to you. He thinks of you as too much of an ideal person he should admire.”

Though both were friends I was similarly close to at NewBorn, this was exactly why I considered Gyeon Hajun closer than Kwon Yunseong.

Kwon Yunseong was the type who would throw meaningless jokes at my worries and wanted me to show him that I don’t have such concerns, while Gyeon Hajun was the type who would pinpoint the core of my worries and worry together with me.

However, right now I didn’t welcome that aspect of Gyeon Hajun.

Because showing that I couldn’t overcome just one failure seemed to make me look weak.

The usual slumps I would honestly confess to Gyeon Hajun and receive comfort for, and my current slump and the reason for my insomnia were fundamentally different.

“What kind of burden is that level of talk? Honestly, he’s right. It’s not like me.”

When I chuckled and lightly patted Gyeon Hajun’s shoulder, Gyeon Hajun, who met my gaze directly, spoke calmly.

“Tell me if it’s hard.”

“Of course.”

I answered with a bright smile as if nothing was wrong.

And that night, I reached for sleeping pills.

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Team. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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