I Won’t Pick Up The T*ash I Threw Away Again - Chapter 204

—————
This chapter was translated by Lunox Team. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
—————

#204

Even though I had been engaged to Fillen for over ten years, we had never once had a physical relationship.

When we first got engaged, we were too young.

After coming of age, we were immersed in grief from the sudden death of the Dowager Duke and Duchess Williot.

By the time that grief had somewhat subsided, Fillen had gone off to war, so there was no opportunity for such things between us.

Fillen seemed to have slept with various women including Sisly while at war, but I hadn’t.

I had no opportunity, and no desire to do so.

It would be more accurate to say I was too busy to even think about such things.

So if I were to have relations with Kalian, it would be my ‘first experience.’

Something I knew well in theory but had never experienced.

Like going to an unknown land I’d only seen in travel books, I felt both excited and afraid.

‘His Majesty must have experience, right?’

Someone like Kalian would have had women constantly throwing themselves at him, so there was no way he wouldn’t.

That fact hurt my heart a little, but it was okay. It was the past. As long as it didn’t happen again in the future.

“Whew.”

My heart pounded as much as I was nervous.

I paced back and forth in the room trying to calm my trembling heart, but it was useless.

I was more nervous and my mind was more complicated than when I was preparing for the Management Exam.

What should I say when Kalian comes?

What kind of expression should I have when I look at him?

If I take off my clothes and lie naked on the bed in a perfect state of undress…

“Leilah?”

“…!”

I was having indecent thoughts when I heard Kalian’s voice from behind me. When I turned around, I saw Kalian in a light shirt.

I had made all sorts of plans in my head about what to do when I saw him, but when I actually saw his face, my mouth wouldn’t open as if glue had been applied to it.

My mind just went completely blank.

As I stood there stupidly, Kalian closed the door and came inside.

The distance between us gradually narrowed.

When he arrived right in front of me, my legs gave out and I nearly collapsed.

“Careful.”

Kalian wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me close. Thanks to that, I didn’t fall, but my heart dropped.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes? Oh, yes. I’m fine. Of course I’m fine. I have to be fine. I can’t not be fine.”

I spoke incoherently, not even knowing what I was saying.

Kalian burst into laughter watching me like that. The sound of his laughter echoed through the quiet room.

Embarrassed, I covered my face with both hands.

“Leilah.”

“…”

“Leilah, look at me.”

At his repeated words, I slowly lowered my hands, and Kalian gently pressed his lips to my forehead.

His lips slid down along my nose and arrived at my lips.

Our lips overlapped. It was a very soft and tender kiss, but I trembled from nervousness.

My legs gave out again and I felt like I would fall, so I grabbed his collar tightly with trembling hands.

“You don’t need to be so nervous.”

Kalian held my hand firmly and said.

“Today I’m just planning to simply sleep.”

“Yes…?”

“I told you earlier. That today we’d just ‘sleep’ together.”

That’s right. Come to think of it, when I asked if we were really just going to sleep, Kalian didn’t give any answer.

I thought he didn’t answer because he was flustered, but it wasn’t that—he really meant we’d just sleep.

And here I was having strange fantasies all by myself.

I was embarrassed and ashamed. In a different way from before, I was too embarrassed to look at him and buried my face in his shoulder.

Kalian asked in a voice tinged with laughter.

“You seem disappointed?”

“I, I’m not disappointed!”

“Really?”

Troubled by his persistent questioning, instead of answering, I bumped my forehead against his shoulder.

Kalian shook his shoulders as he laughed.

“Don’t misunderstand though.”

The arm wrapped around my waist tightened.

“It’s not that I don’t want you.”

Kalian kissed my head and whispered in a low voice.

“I’ve always wanted you. In the past, now, and I’ll continue to want you in the future.”

His breath touching my head was incredibly hot.

“I just don’t want to have you so impulsively like this.”

“…”

“At least until we’re engaged, no, until we officially announce that we’re in a relationship, I want to cherish you, so don’t misunderstand.”

“…I won’t misunderstand like that.”

He was expressing his feelings for me with his whole body, so there was no way I’d have such an absurd misunderstanding.

“Then that’s a relief.”

Kalian lifted me up and headed toward the bed. Soon I felt the soft blanket against my bottom.

Kalian kissed my forehead again.

“Then have sweet dreams.”

Is he leaving?

Well, he said we’d just sleep, so leaving would be right, but still…

“Can’t you… stay with me?”

It would be too disappointing if he left like this, so I grabbed his collar and asked.

Kalian’s eyes looking at me wavered greatly.

He pulled up his lips as if very troubled.

“I don’t have confidence that I could keep the person I love next to me all night and not do anything.”

Ah, I was being too greedy.

I couldn’t bring myself to say that it would be okay anyway.

But it was too disappointing to send him away like this, so I hesitated a bit.

Perhaps sensing my feelings, Kalian held my hand tightly and sat beside me.

“I’ll stay by your side until you fall asleep.”

* * *

As Leilah had guessed, the reason Kalian couldn’t answer her question at that time was because he was flustered.

Kalian belatedly realized he had done something stupid and clutched his head.

‘Should I just go through with it?’

It was ridiculous to refuse when Leilah had finally reached out first.

So let’s do it. Kalian, who had made that resolution, immediately changed his mind when he saw Leilah’s pale face.

Leilah was so frightened that anyone who didn’t know the situation would think Kalian was doing something terrible to her.

Her pale face looked like she could collapse at any moment.

Even that appearance looked lovely to him—he was truly smitten.

Kalian smiled and swallowed his dark intentions. It was difficult to swallow back the dark desires that had once ignited, but he made an effort.

“Can’t you… stay with me?”

He had barely extinguished the fire, but Leilah rekindled it. Kalian gritted his teeth and suppressed the desire that was creeping up again.

“I’ll stay by your side until you fall asleep.”

It was a reckless challenge that tested the limits of his patience. He didn’t know how long he could endure, but since Leilah wanted it, Kalian willingly accepted the challenge.

“Sleep.”

She needed to fall asleep quickly.

Contrary to Kalian’s hopes, Leilah’s eyes were clear and alert. She didn’t look like she would fall asleep easily.

“Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“I can’t fall asleep.”

“But you should sleep.”

“I know.”

Sleep should come. Leilah murmured softly like she was babbling.

“Should I sing you a lullaby?”

He said it half-jokingly since she said she couldn’t sleep, but Leilah’s eyes widened in surprise.

“You know how to do that too?”

“Don’t you remember? I sang one for you before.”

“What? When?”

“It was when you fell into trauma because of the thunder and lightning.”

“Ah…”

Leilah let out a small exclamation and smiled awkwardly.

“Do you remember?”

“To be honest… I barely remember it.”

That made sense. She was hardly in her right mind back then.

“Could you sing it for me again?”

Kalian smiled mischievously.

“For free?”

“…What do you want?”

“You have to decide that.”

Kalian urged her to decide quickly.

Leilah rolled her eyes as she pondered, then carefully gave her answer.

“I love you, Your Majesty.”

His heart plummeted off a cliff.

“I really, really love you.”

Kalian clenched his fists tightly, suppressing the urge to pull Leilah into his arms and kiss her right then and there.

“I thought you were a bear, but now I see you’re a fox.”

Leilah grinned widely.

“So will you sing me a lullaby?”

“Yes.”

He had planned to sing for her from the beginning anyway.

Kalian cleared his throat, then began his performance for Leilah.

* * *

Fillen, who had been coldly rejected when he suggested going to Casiwood together with Leilah, drank alcohol as soon as he returned to the manor.

His loyal butler suggested that perhaps he should restrain himself since the sun hadn’t even set yet, but it had no effect whatsoever.

As time passed, the number of empty bottles increased. Fillen’s face grew redder and redder.

After drinking for quite a while, Fillen staggered out to the balcony with his glass in hand.

Looking at the pitch-black night sky reminded him of Leilah’s jet-black hair and eyes.

‘I never thought she would hate me that much.’

He didn’t want to admit it.

There was no way he could admit it.

The moment he admitted it, everything would be over.

Because he would lose Leilah forever, Fillen struggled desperately not to admit it, but now he had no choice but to acknowledge it.

The fact that Leilah’s heart had completely left him.

Today’s events made him realize with certainty that he could never hold onto her again.

“This is all because of that damn Emperor…”

It was all because Kalian had put strange ideas into Leilah’s head.

If Kalian hadn’t done unnecessary things, she would never have left the Williot Duchy!

Of course, he had said and done things to Leilah that he shouldn’t have, but that was all because he had been deceived by Sisly. It wasn’t his true feelings.

So he had tried to appeal that fact while slowly persuading Leilah, but because of Kalian, he could no longer do so.

Crash-!

Extremely angry about this fact, Fillen threw his glass to the floor.

The fragile glass couldn’t withstand his strength and shattered into pieces.

This caused cuts here and there that bled, but Fillen didn’t care and just stared endlessly at the night sky.

The jet-black night sky that resembled Leilah.

“…I miss you.”

Looking at the night sky kept making him think of Leilah, and his heart ached like crazy. It hurt so much it was agonizing.

Fillen carelessly sat down on the broken glass.

“I miss you, Leilah…”

Tears flowed down as much as the blood he had shed.

—————
This chapter was translated by Lunox Team. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
—————