How to Survive as the Second Son of a Mage Family - Chapter 485

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Team. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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My friend’s eyes widened instantly, reaching the point where no part of the pink circles with rims slightly darker than their centers touched his eyelids. He bolted upright and stepped back. Elias read defeat and retreat in his friend’s eyes facing him. He read bewilderment stemming from a different source than Narke’s. Though no words passed between them, the subtle trembling of eyelids betrayed fear. Fear of being rejected? Or fear following the hostility when something he never intended to reveal, something he hadn’t even written down, was exposed? Whatever it was. Fear would make him stronger than anyone else later, but right now it signaled he was too fragile to accept an attack. Elias knew and understood well the expression he himself had worn long ago. Even though what he had read in his friend’s world didn’t remain in his hands like a mirage, it certainly lingered in his perception like a mirage. He knew his specialty was making a big fuss about seeing what he should have pretended not to see, only to end up confined in the palace annex. But he also knew that pretending not to see what he had seen was equally his specialty. The two were in different fields but operated from the same cause. Elias had both pretended not to see what he saw for the sake of those he loved, including out of self-respect, and had shouted about seeing what he should have pretended not to see. In his own opinion, Elias seemed to have mainly swallowed down the doubts that occasionally pierced through his perception for the sake of this friend. However, today he had no intention of doing so. Though he knew such stubbornness was troubling his friend now, Elias didn’t want to mistake the motives behind seemingly similar actions. Consideration and avoidance were clearly different, and spouting nonsense to divert attention was, in Elias’s view, in the realm of avoidance, so he believed it would become the beginning of driving their relationship into tension. Therefore, Elias didn’t want to lie that he hadn’t seen the mirage. That was the reason for his silence.

His friend was the first to speak. He looked at Elias blankly, hiding his eyes under ash-brown hair with barely any curl left, then said.

“You were there.”

“Yes.” Elias agreed without hesitation. “I was there.”

He would want to ask how much he had seen. But that would be no different from saying ‘I can’t tell you beyond a certain point,’ so he, who didn’t know how to become heartless, wouldn’t do that. Instead, he would suffer alone.

He wasn’t hurt by the fact that there were secrets. Hadn’t his friend even directly mentioned that he had secrets? He had done his best and no longer needed to feel troubled. In response to his friend’s consideration, Elias spoke.

“I… couldn’t understand most of it. Everything flashed through my head like lightning, and what I could perceive was extremely limited. Even that small part consisted of simple knowledge that I couldn’t tell whether it made sense or not.”

Elias tried not to look away from his friend’s eyes. He was speaking only honest truth, and he didn’t want to cause misunderstanding by looking away just because it was difficult to face his friend. Elias continued speaking while maintaining eye contact.

“Even if I had looked deeper into your mind, I probably couldn’t have interpreted anything. Too much formed codes, and if any information I could decode came to me, it seemed to go beyond the logic I knew, making it difficult to accept readily. As you know… even if someone from that universe came to explain something to us, it would be hard for us to understand. Rather than remembering what they said, only the confusion of that moment would remain in memory. Ah, I didn’t mean you were some unknown creature…”

Elias knew he was rambling more and more, but he didn’t mind. There was something he needed to say now. If the pain he had dimly felt in that world was real, he definitely wanted to tell him honestly how much he knew and convey his thoughts as well. Elias spoke while slowly blinking.

“You are marvelous, just as that old man said. That’s what I found out.”

His friend remained silent. He probably knew that Elias had been talking about his brain capacity—or something he presumed to be that—or the countless knowledge he had involuntarily stored in his head. His friend seemed accustomed to this kind of admiration, neither angry nor humble nor embarrassed, just staring blankly at Elias like a statue. Elias took courage from the sound of water drops falling from the thick temple ceiling and insects chirping, continuing his words as they were buried in natural sounds.

“But that’s all. You know what? I once won money seven times in a row at the racetrack. The odds happened to be good too, and the money I ended up with was enormous, so considering that, my luck must also be marvelous.”

It’s difficult to say that I know matters you haven’t told me about. However, Elias didn’t want to hide what he had dimly noticed, and of course, rambling about his own experiences under the guise of consideration didn’t look very good either, but from the moment he said he knew ‘his friend had nearly gone mad thinking about the weight of human skulls,’ it became irreversible, so he couldn’t stop there.

“And I also have the ability to avoid all the correct answers 30 minutes before submitting test papers to professors. Getting zero points in all subjects—not just anyone can do that. Of course, I had no choice but to submit a blank paper for composition since there are no correct answers… I also know how to cross wide streams without wetting my trouser cuffs and socks. Streams that are almost like moats, I mean. I also know how to climb 20-meter tropical trees without falling. I’ll pick sago palm fruits for you when we go traveling later.”

His friend’s lips curved up faintly. The worry that had risen to his face hadn’t disappeared yet. Therefore, Elias found no reason to stop talking.

“But to win money seven times in a row at the racetrack, something unpleasant must happen beforehand. Something sad enough that consciousness and reason don’t function properly, sad enough to bet money on the movements and gambling of racehorses running with all their might along the track while being held captive by humans, without any qualms about such things. When lying sprawled on the street, continuously gulping brandy to forget that, when gambling humans who confirmed from my appearance that I was some rich rebellious kid dragged me by the shoulders toward an illegal racetrack, I was docile enough to be dragged along, and though I normally wouldn’t have done so, I was in a state where I could take money directly from my wallet to buy tickets.”

Elias fell silent for a long while after finishing his words.

“And after winning money seven more times, I had to force myself to laugh to forget the fact that I had earned money with the noble blood of horses that could have wandered those grasslands and mountain ranges. Of course, that horse would have been born in a breeding farm, and its parents and grandparents would have spent their entire lives in breeding farms, and if it hadn’t gone to the racetrack, it would have become a horse pulling carriages, so that fellow could never have wandered the plains even if it died and came back to life, but naturally you’d know that my words trace back to the Neolithic Revolution… When people like us become disillusioned with the world, we always end up tracing back to around that time.”

Elias knew that racetrack horses ate good food and received good care, and he also knew that those horses were usually satisfied with their lives because they could run excitedly, but he didn’t want to add stories everyone knew. It’s also because everyone knows that when those horses, aged faster due to overworked joints, gradually become unable to match the speed of thoroughbreds, they usually end up on dinner plates the following weekday. Either way, horses’ lives depend on human hands. Perhaps he thought their subordinated fate was the same as his own. So he thought there was nothing to pity, but that day the horses made drunk Elias see his homeland, his uncle, his long-term foreign policy, his personnel decisions, his immediate orders that pretended not to be capricious, and the backward slums where he had collapsed before drinking. He might have been too drunk. While thinking that if he continued viewing the world from this perspective, the end would only be death, leaning his drunk body against the racetrack railing, Elias discovered human-to-human relationships in the relationship between humans and horses, and he vomited the alcohol he had drunk that day into the morning Rhine River. Elias muttered while casting his gaze aside toward his friend who was calmly listening to his words.

“…Also, after that, I have to constantly pull myself together to avoid getting addicted to earning money effortlessly and in vain. It would have been better if I had won tens of thousands of fel playing late-night poker games with pro-Emperor politicians—I’m confident in gambling that fleeces rich people’s money, I think the same thoughts, but it’s already too late. And when I visit the relief center office I frequent while hiding my identity, when relieving the poor, the question always surges up as always whether I can’t govern so that everyone can lead at least a minimally human life without me providing private benefits as charity, and I think whether I dare donate the money I earned in one night from horses’ leaping to starving people. Some of them wouldn’t want to eat bread bought with such dishonorable money. They’ve been deprived of the luxury of having beliefs and the right to maintain dignity just because they’re poor, isn’t that so… My thoughts lead in that direction. So in the end, I throw bundles of money on empty tables at the relief center and escape as if fleeing, entering any tavern that’s about to collapse to forget everything again, and realizing that money withdrawn from my stock account some time ago remains in my wallet, I spend one bill on buying alcohol. If I’m lucky, I get to recall what source that account’s profits came from and what financial experts’ hands they passed through, but from then on, even alcohol won’t go down my throat. This is the reaction to winning money seven times from horse racing.”

Getting zero points on exams, crossing streams, or climbing sago palm trees isn’t much different either. Though it creates shorter anguish. Elias decided not to talk about that. By now, his friend would have understood what Elias was saying. Elias shifted his gaze slightly from the bushes to look at his friend.

“So I won’t admire your abilities either.”

His friend’s eyes shook minutely. So subtly that no one would notice unless they looked carefully—his friend was skilled at hiding his agitation. Elias smiled at being able to catch his security-conscious friend’s fleeting moment. Ah, doesn’t this alone mean I’m already close enough to this person? When I know him so thoroughly. Elias thought it would be fine whatever his friend discerned about him, and he hoped his friend would think the same about himself. While trying not to be conscious of personal wishes, Elias continued speaking.

“Being outstanding somewhere isn’t a compliment to you. Like saying ‘you’re underperforming compared to others,’ it’s a compliment that draws a boundary line saying you’re different from others or unique. But because a crucial difference separates these two evaluations, you can’t be honest. Because this era seemingly wants your abilities and places high value on them, because many people yearn to possess your abilities, and crucially because you live in a society that believes the total amount of unhappiness can be ranked, you can neither convince people that your traits have two sides nor be honest with yourself. If you accept the pain caused by your abilities, it would just amount to complaining on a full stomach. To others’ thinking and your own thinking, it would sound as absurd as someone who won two years’ salary in one night at a racetrack saying they felt self-loathing that seemed to destroy their body that day… But even so, I won’t be able to perfectly understand the sense of isolation you feel throughout your entire life.”

“…”

“So I’ll just say this. I won’t revere or be wary of you just because you remember more than most people and therefore think in a different way than others. At least I’m not the type to flip my attitude toward you like turning over my palm just because I read the atmosphere of your world.”

His friend didn’t hear all of the old man’s desperate struggle, so he might not fully understand what I mean by not revering or being wary, but the old man certainly accepted this friend as a transcendent being because he had the capacity to learn all the languages of the world. Isn’t that also why Pleroma targets his friend? The emotions and fatigue Elias himself felt in his friend’s head were also not unrelated to his friend’s temperament. Elias had never known until now that his friend remembered everything he saw and heard, but somehow he spoke as if he had known it for a long time.

The fervent envy of gamblers or ordinary citizens who occasionally enjoy gambling—winning big money seven times at horse racing, and the subtle envy of peer adolescents—the ability to climb trees as quickly as monkeys, all seem enjoyable and boastful on the surface, but the surroundings of the results weren’t very bright. At the root of winning money at horse racing lies sadness, and ultimately because he won money, the sadness wasn’t washed away at all while self-loathing was added. At the root of being able to climb palm trees lies being dragged to inspect colonies as a representative of the great powers, and there’s explosive guilt at every moment his feet touched ground. The reason he learned to get perfect failing grades on exams and cross mountain streams was because he was half-driven out by his uncle. Elias asked calmly.

“How is it? Living in a complex world?”

His friend couldn’t say anything. He only moved his lips slightly.

“Living in a world where you can remember so many things—it’s not as great or good as people think, is it?”

Otherwise, he couldn’t naturally think things like humans’ skulls being heavy or only the head remaining while everything below disappeared. Elias had no idea what kind of life he had lived, but he could expect that this friend had also received the kind of looks people give to eccentrics, and he knew well what kind of life it was to live without connecting with anyone. However, it felt arrogant to assert that I understand you just because I read some blurry forms while still knowing nothing, so Elias waited in slight anxiety while keeping his words to a minimum.

His friend remained silent for a long while. His eyes had now escaped from confusion and were calm. He answered with barely moving his lips.

“Yes.”

Elias nodded. Then he cheerfully snapped his fingers.

“We found another thing in common. We might think too much. And—”

Elias felt his heart beating a little louder as he gazed into his friend’s pink pupils and said.

“—may I call you as I have been calling you until now?”

He could see his friend’s Adam’s apple move minutely again. Unable to face his tense expression, Elias looked down at the floor and said.

“Ridiculously, I don’t know why I’m asking this. I can’t explain anything coherently, I don’t know what I saw and heard, I don’t even know if I heard anything properly, and I’m not sure if this makes sense. So saying I don’t know isn’t empty words. But…”

Elias closed his eyes and then turned his gaze back to his friend.

“Somehow I felt I should ask now. I’m not asking the constraints of your environment or the burdens of your heart. I’m not asking God either. I’m asking you who are right here in this place at this very moment. If I call you as I have been calling you until now, how would that be?”

Elias sees greatly agitated eyes. Elias, who became momentarily anxious in response, grabbed his friend’s cheek and added an unfunny demand.

“Ah, wait, wait a moment. You have to look into my eyes and answer while calling my name. That’s the rule!”

What rule is that? Elias expected his friend to say that since he himself found it absurd, but there was no answer. His friend had eyes that shone with intelligence as usual, yet contained emotions Elias couldn’t understand. Regret? Or emotion? He couldn’t tell. For some reason, Elias was anxious that he wouldn’t stay in this place much longer. However, his friend’s eyes gradually became calmer.

“Why are you all wet like this?”

An answer comes only after what feels like eons. Elias followed his friend’s gaze and looked down at his own robe soaked with rainwater. His friend’s clothes were unchanged since he had changed into one of the outfits from his bag, so they weren’t wet. He continued speaking as if he didn’t expect to hear an answer.

“Let’s talk in order. I don’t know if you know this now, but…”

Don’t know? Elias nodded with listening eyes. His friend, who would normally have laughed, looked at such Elias and asked with the same calm face as before.

“Do you know what you just said?”

“…Whether I could call you as I have been calling you until now.”

“Before that.”

Before? Of course I know. Elias recalled that he had just given a long speech about his impressions of experiencing his friend’s world with his whole body and about horse racing, that he had said he wouldn’t revere or be wary of him. His friend was talking about that. Reading the answer from Elias’s eyes, his friend’s mouth opened.

“Are you sincere?”

“What else would be insincere about it?”

Elias, who said that with a puzzled face, now intuited where his friend’s calm expression originated from. His friend had been there with a face that didn’t know how to react. Elias remained blank with the same expression. His friend’s mouth opened again only after quite a while.

“It’s the first time. Not just the first time I’m hearing it from you, but the first time I’m hearing it in my entire life.”

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Team. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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