Debut or Die - Chapter 349

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Novels. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com

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A Fatal Illness if I Don’t Debut – Episode 349
‘So… Eugene is going to appear on this?’
Hana Hamilton, who had attended the same middle school as Cha Yu-jin, settled onto the couch in front of the late-night television for the first time in ages.
She was using her knowledge of Cha Yu-jin from high school as an excuse to watch the program.
‘Anyway, we did meet once a few years ago.’
At a television program’s dining hall where they sold hotteok, a Korean fusion snack.
-Hmm… Have we met before? Middle school? Elementary school?
-Ah… I’m Hana Hamilton. We were in the same class in middle school.
-Oh~ Hana! Good to see you. How have you been?
There was still that distinctive aura of someone who was thriving, but surprisingly, Cha Yu-jin had made a career out of subculture K-pop.
Once she learned about his group (she discovered they now called it a group rather than a band!), she looked up their activities a few times.
There was something oddly appealing about such an accomplished peer being immersed in subculture just like her.
And despite being startled by several cultural differences, she had come this far.
‘A pink-haired heterosexual man in his twenties.’
‘…Cha Yu-jin does this kind of thing too?? Anime magical girl?’
‘They really do care for each other… they’re such a good team…’
She had even gotten emotionally invested enough to watch their American variety show live broadcast.
[MESS~ MEEEESSS~]

Garish, colorful subtitles scrolled across the screen. Hana watched them with a lukewarm expression.
‘This show is funny, but I don’t understand why you’re on it.’
-Testa shouldn’t be appearing here!
-This is nothing but a third-rate reality show that harasses people who just want to get their names out there—sadistic, harmful garbage.
K-pop fans were crying out on her account. Honestly, she agreed to some extent.
[Today’s challenger is… Challenge! Endure 30 minutes inside a darkened abandoned house with strange sounds coming from a red coffin?]
[But that’s not all! The moment you become a coward, adorable unicorn plushies come pouring down! You’re a loser!]
It was riddled with mockery and ridicule disguised as challenges.
It had the structure of self-inflicted defeat—mocking people who arrogantly claimed they could obviously do it—which allowed it to quietly evade ethical scrutiny.
[Booo! Total garbage!]
[Didn’t you just blink your eyes like you were terrified? That’s right. You failed, you loser!]
Sometimes there wasn’t even a clear standard for the penalties. The production crew and MC simply gave out punishments whenever they thought it would be funniest.
Sometimes even the MC himself was on the receiving end.
That’s why it was genuinely hilarious.
So much so that even Hana, who occasionally watched clips on YouTube, could vividly hear the MC’s giggling as if it were drawn in front of her.
‘That’s why it’s such a long-running program.’
In any case, it wasn’t suitable for someone who wanted to maintain a certain level of dignity and prestige.
As a result, Testa fans in America had voiced their complaints, and the production crew subtly played along with their grievances.
-Honorably, their company said ‘first’ that they wanted to appear directly! (eye-roll emoji)
Later, even the MC joined in.
-Fresh and kind Asian boys.. hang in there (sunglasses emoji)
It was a complete mess.
‘We nearly came to blows, literally.’
That stubborn, conservative, and somewhat crude MC had engaged in a fiery battle of nerves with the K-pop fanbase.
What was terrifying, however, was that the moment filming began, all communication from the production team ceased entirely.
‘Maybe Testa handled it well. Or perhaps….’
…they’d failed so miserably that silence was the only response.
That MC had crossed the line of jest so thoroughly that even I had to bite my tongue.
“Hmm.”
Hana swallowed once, then turned her attention back to the television.
A contestant who’d burst from a coffin was captured on camera fleeing with rainbow glitter and a unicorn dangling from them, their pants nearly torn off.
[Loser~~]
[Actor Antonio Soltre is an adorable scaredy-cat pony, or perhaps a teddy bear!]
“….”
Testa shouldn’t have to endure such humiliation.
Fortunately, the segment Testa was appearing in was primarily one where singers performed.
[Next is… My Own Street Karaoke!]
The “street karaoke” challenge segment, to be precise.
[The crew has carefully selected various masterpieces, each arranged in wildly different versions!]
[Will these artist challengers be able to properly showcase these classics?]
At first glance, one might think it looked more professionally executed than some absurd challenge, but….
That was a mistake.
Soon enough, they’d realize that these arrangements were nothing but utterly ridiculous pranks.
Moreover, everything was improvised, and whether they’d handled it properly was entirely up to the production team’s discretion.
‘Ugh.’
A challenge that was hilarious for the audience but absolutely brutal for the participants—especially since they were all professional singers.
And this time, the penalty was equally brutal.
[Today’s penalty is… Restaurant Blitz!]
[We’ve carefully prepared dishes from the hottest restaurants on social media! This isn’t really a penalty at all, is it?]
Splat!
“Ugh!”
She watched as a pulverized hamburger shot through the air like a bomb and smashed directly into the dazed contestant’s face.
She felt ashamed that she’d almost laughed.
‘That’s… that’s genuinely humiliating!’
Isn’t that the kind of thing you’d see in schoolyard bullying?
Yet the segment had already cheerfully begun.
[First song is~ ‘Counting Ma Green’!]
It was supposed to be an intense, dark hip-hop track.
But it flowed out as an amusement park march with exaggerated, incomprehensible pronunciation.
[Ohohoho! Cheerful and lovely, isn’t it~]
[Nanananana nananana~]
Splat.
Splat.
Splatter splatter splat.
To the bright trumpet’s rhythm, people got hit in the face with food.
It was ridiculous.
“Pfft!”
Some stood dazed even after the interlude passed, others tried jumping in after one verse only to completely botch the timing.
There were those who sang a few bars perfectly and looked hopeful before getting smacked in the face with food.
[Cast Member: What the hell is this….]
Splat!
[Your gesture is terrible!]
“Pfhehehehe!”
She gritted her teeth and laughed. It was a primal, irresistible kind of laughter.
“Oh please! Ugh!”
The problem was that even after two or three more songs passed, Testa hadn’t appeared.
Even if they’d only shown up for a second, I definitely would’ve recognized them. There’s no way I’d miss such an intense scene of getting hit with food.
‘Could it be… edited out?’
Fortunately or unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.
Testa appeared after more than ten minutes had passed, and after one advertisement placed between segments.
Seven young men standing on the street like the other cast members.
They gave them a slight spotlight.
[Right. We’re giving them special treatment because they’re from “Cosmic Gunner.” I’m close with the director there, you know?]
Along with the MC’s ridiculous narration, the first song started again—that cheerful march.
“Ah….”
So this was going to show Testa getting hit with food in all its glory.
As Hana thought this and settled in to watch the TV, something happened.
With a sullen expression and his hands shoved in his jacket pockets, Cha Yu-jin, who’d been staring at the fixed microphone in front of the camera, smiled slightly.
And immediately he caught the opening of the march and jumped in.
[Cast Member: NANA, NANA, NANANNNNNA!]
“Oh.”
And Testa began walking in time with the beat. A parade-style dance step.
And naturally, while checking the lyrics displayed below the camera, he followed along with the song.
His face bore that distinctive bright capitalist smile of an amusement park employee.
[Cast Member: The taste of money~ I can’t resist, so I’ll take it~]
The refreshing laughter and lyrics about money harmonized perfectly with the amusement park accompaniment, making it hilarious.
“Hahahaha!”
And performing what could pass for decent parade gestures one by one, he brilliantly made it through the first verse while rotating positions!
[Yeah~ Well, whatever. Lucky bastards.]
Behind the deflated MC’s voice, the sound of the audience bursting into laughter was inserted. It made it even funnier.
But Testa’s screen time didn’t end there.
[Next song!]
Next up was a trendy R&B band track that flowed smoothly….
We turned it into extreme high-note heavy metal.
“Ugh.”
A few members couldn’t even enter because they were startled by the key change, their faces getting hit with food.
But this time, Park Moon-dae, the member with white hair, casually pressed his head to the microphone in front of the camera without hesitation.
And he opened his mouth.
[YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!]
“…!!”
A shout.
His expression didn’t change as he belted out that high note in one continuous stream.
His neck had turned red and the veins were bulging, but the impact of his expressionless face combined with the ultra-high note was too striking for anyone to notice.
And after that, the other members naturally shook their heads violently.
Ooooh!
The way they swung their jackets had a slightly exaggerated flair that made it even more enjoyable to watch. The audience sound inserted on screen screamed and cheered.
[…Again?]
[Yeah, well, they’re really amazing singers. I can applaud too. Clap clap clap. You heard that, right?]
The audience’s laughter erupted again.
But soon, energy returned to the MC’s deflated voice.
[So the next song should go out… you all know this, but if you mess up at the end, it’s seriously hilarious!]
“Huh?”
And a completely new accompaniment that had never appeared before began to play.
A latest disco track currently on the Billboard chart with beats that pop and snap….
Arranged as a ballet.
“Pfft!”
Hana Hamilton spit out her drink.
[Haha! Have you ever heard of Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker!]
Ting~
There’s… no way out of this.
The crystalline sound of the celesta rings out as the chorus enters.
I couldn’t even tell where the singing would start.
‘Ballet is an instrumental piece! There’s no vocal part!’
It was absurdly funny, but it was funny precisely because Testa had no way to escape this trap!
[Haha!]
However, one member of Testa quietly stepped forward from the back.
A beautiful young man with black hair swept back elegantly.
He naturally crossed his legs as he stood, then gracefully lifted one foot and spun.
“…!!”
[What the—??]
Fouetté.
And in that moment, the six members behind exchanged glances before breaking into humming.
A composition where they naturally followed the main melody and accompaniment at their own pace.
A cappella.
[…Oh Lord.]
“Good heavens.”
And then, at just the right moment, they picked up the rhythm with perfect timing and found their entry point!
[Cast: I can take you to the night sky~]
The audience in the video erupts in cheers.
Reversals are always entertaining.
After pulling off this insane stunt, they even earn applause from random passersby on the street.
[Why are they clapping for them!]
[What is this… wait, you all set this up, didn’t you? How much did you pay them?]
As the MC’s narration bristles with indignation at being caught in a surprise camera moment, the audience bursts into laughter again.
Cha Yu-jin, casually exchanging high-fives, grins widely and nods his head.
[Cast: We got paid for appearing though?]
[No!! What I mean is you guys… argh! This is driving me crazy!]
“Hahaha!”
As Hana Hamilton’s laughter rings out, the microphone in front of the camera trembles like an irritated puppet.
[This is… right! This is basically a failure!]
[You did too well, so it’s not good. Right?]
Testa exchanged looks with each other, then smiled faintly. And the white-haired member responded calmly.
[Cast: No. I’m not sure what you mean.]
[There’s no fun in it, so it’s a failure! This is a comedy show!!]
[Cast: Hmm.]
Then, instead of Testa continuing the skit by firing back, they exchanged glances once more and nodded in unison.
‘What’s this?’
And Cha Yu-jin opened his mouth.
[Cast: OK. Forget it all. Let’s shoot.]
“…!!”
Splat!
And the gourmet restaurant cannon actually fired.
Not just once, but multiple times. Right at everyone’s faces.
Splatter-splat-splatter-splat-splatter!
“Ahhhhh!”
Hana Hamilton watched with her mouth wide open.
Testa’s appearance became just as pathetic as the people before them.
[Cast: Oops.]
Cha Yu-jin, with Bolognese sauce dripping down his forehead, wiped it away with his finger.
Then he chuckled.
[Cast: It tastes good.]
[Good grief.]
[Cast Member: I joined because it looked like the most fun, and it’s been an absolutely incredible experience.]
[Get off the stage already. Come on.]
[Cast Member: Right you are. Have a good night, everyone.]
[Cast Member: Good night~]
The members chuckled softly, casually wiping their faces with fabric and hands as they strolled out of frame with effortless composure.
One appearance, and look at this.
‘Wow….’
Not a shred of false modesty—just overflowing confidence and an unshakeable sense of self. And somehow, it didn’t come across as obnoxious.
This was everything the industry expected from an artist.
Individuality! Talent! Star power!
And didn’t they fit perfectly with that band image from 【Cosmic Gunner】? They practically were that band!
[What… what…. Show us the other guys! They’re not funny!]
The screen then cut to cast members who couldn’t keep up with the ballet arrangement and took hits from the food critic segment instead.
But everyone watching knew the truth: the real ending was that band walking out moments before.
“Wow.”
If the goal was to make an impression, it was an absolute triumph.
And right on cue, the moment the broadcast ended, a new post appeared on MC’s account.
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[I’d stake my house on it—no editing tricks. These guys are genuinely insane. #SaveMe]
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“Wow.”
A complete surrender.
‘This is chaos!’
She found herself searching not just K-pop accounts, but every personal account from viewers of today’s program, watching as they poured out their reactions.
And as she did, a thought crossed her mind.
‘Here I am doing this, but they’re probably heading back to South Korea cool as ice, aren’t they?’
Yeah, that was exactly the kind of person Cha Yu-jin was.
His group would be no different!

* * *
We were going absolutely insane celebrating one person.
Who, you ask?
“Sun Ah-hyun! Sun Ah-hyun!”
“Ooooh!!”
“Sun Ah-hyun pulled it off!”
Of course it was Sun Ah-hyun! The guy actually nailed an unplanned ad-lib!
Let me be honest. We cheated a little.
We’d already compiled all the candidate songs they’d use and studied the predicted answers beforehand.
The same trick I’d been pulling since my Ajusa days.
It was a long-running segment that had gone over a hundred episodes, so the references were solid—and the songs came up immediately.
‘These bastards use half current hits and half songs from ten years ago.’
Since the program had been running so long, I figured they’d have fixed the range of songs they drew from to avoid repeats.
And the arrangements could be predicted statistically too.
1. List the types of arrangements used over the past three years on the program in frequency order.
2. Apply weight to newly introduced arrangements in the latest year.
3. However, exclude any arrangements used in the most recent three episodes.
Once we’d mapped out the song patterns and arrangement patterns, everything fell into place.
-Is this funny?
-Not really!
-Okay, so they won’t use country arrangements here. Pass.
We just needed to have Big Sae-jin—our S+ tier in authentic sensibility—check it over, then match the arrangements.
‘That covers more than half of it.’
So we’d already had Kim Rae-bin lead the charge in mapping out the expected arrangement vibes, decided who’d handle the main parts for each song, and showed up ready.
But then….
‘Where the hell did these crazy bastards pull ballet from!’
I’d anticipated opera at least, but I never expected these assholes to throw in an instrumental piece—a song nobody even sings.
But Sun Ah-hyun came out swinging and actually performed ballet, and it turned into a massive hit.
‘If it hadn’t been for him, we’d have been totally screwed.’
This kind of thing only works if you cleanly execute the concept for every single song they give you from start to finish.
Panicking would’ve been the worst move, but he didn’t just prevent a panic—he pulled off the best play possible, which is why everyone’s losing their minds.
“Wait, but how? You said Ah-hyun switched majors to dance, so how did it come out perfectly there!”
“Well, before, um, yes, I prepared for a recital back in middle school….”
“The fact that you remember that is truly astonishing and absolutely jaw-dropping!”
“No…, it’s, it’s just that once your body learns something….”
I’m not accepting excuses.
Either way, Sun Ah-hyun came down to the floor with applause ringing out, his face flushed bright red by the time the segment ended.
“Um….”
But even then, he started to say something before stopping.
‘Hmm.’
His face held that same eager anticipation I’d seen when we’d nailed the album concept—the look of someone hoping to hear what we’d been discussing.
I understood perfectly.
‘He wants to hear the story.’
He’d demonstrated this pattern before, and it seemed he’d judged himself capable enough to listen in on conversations that only Big Sae-jin and I usually shared.
And truthfully, qualifications weren’t really the issue—the fact remained that he’d carried this entire operation.
‘No point dragging this out any longer.’
I glanced back at Big Sae-jin. He nodded in agreement.
So then….
Fine, damn it. Let’s talk.
For the record, it was an absolutely idiotic decision in hindsight.

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Novels. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com

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