Debut or Die - Chapter 223

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Novels. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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A Fatal Illness if I Don’t Debut – Episode 223
The inside of the car was silent as a tomb.
Well, occasionally I could only hear Kim Rae-bin’s ragged breathing, as if he were gasping for air.
Normally, the guys would have tried to comfort him with something like ‘it’ll be okay,’ but now they just drove silently or patted his back.
Comfort would only make things worse in a situation like this.
“Yes, hyung. …Yes, you need to come ‘at this hour of the morning.’ We’re on the move right now, so please get to the area as quickly as possible.”
I relayed the message to the Manager I’d barely managed to reach, then hung up abruptly.
Was this really the time to complain about ‘this hour of the morning’? There’s a time and place for work-life balance, you bastard.
“….”
So what was I doing after that?
Damn it, I couldn’t do anything.
I was just thinking.
That it would take at least three hours no matter what to get from here to Gangwon Province where Kim Rae-bin’s Family Home was.
‘In the worst case, we might be late.’
…But what if we had departed directly from Seoul like we usually did before vacation?
That would have saved us more than an hour and a half.
An hour and a half difference.
I couldn’t help but do that calculation.
‘Damn it.’
Because the guy sitting in front of me would be thinking the exact same thing.
Kim Rae-bin still couldn’t put down his smartphone. Unconsciously, he was both waiting for and dreading another call.
And the fact that he couldn’t bring himself to call back first….
“….”
I couldn’t breathe.
‘Stop it.’
It was ridiculous. I wasn’t even the one involved, and there was nothing I could do to help, yet here I was getting unnecessarily absorbed in it.
I mocked myself and pressed my head against the Window, keeping my mouth shut.
That seemed like the least I could do to avoid being a hindrance.
After about three hours that felt like I might pass out passed inside the car.
It was just after we passed the last Highway Toll Gate heading to our destination. Ryu Chung-woo opened his mouth in the calmest tone he could manage.
“We’ll be there in thirty minutes.”
“….”
Bae Sae-jin struggled to speak to Kim Rae-bin.
“…Change your clothes.”
“….”
Kim Rae-bin, who had been stiff and rigid with tension and worry for far too long, slowly began to change his shirt.
The nearly dry clothes fell below the seat, salt stains falling with them.
And after putting on fresh clothes, Kim Rae-bin stood motionless as if his soul had left his body, then soon began to shed tears.
“I… s-stupidly suggested we go on a team outing… and now we’re late,”
“No.”
I answered without even realizing it. Without a single thought.
So I actually needed to come up with a plausible reason from that moment on, but there was no time to add an explanation.
Someone had interjected.
“That’s right! It’s because of me!”
“…!”
“I suggested we leave first. It’s not Kim Rae-bin’s fault!”
Cha Yu-jin spoke with considerable vigor, though he looked like he was about to cry himself.
Kim Rae-bin let out a hoarse sound.
“No, no! The retreat trip—we planned it together… the location, I….”
“We’ll think about it later.”
I cut him off.
“Think about it later. For now, go see your Grandmother.”
“….”
Kim Rae-bin barely nodded.
Right now, I couldn’t let him think. This was the right call.
From experience.
Soon the car’s navigation system finished its guidance.
“Let’s go.”
“…Yes.”
And so Kim Rae-bin stumbled out of the car and headed toward the Hospital.
The rest of us followed as far as we could go.
Which meant we ended up sitting in the waiting chairs beside the Hospital Room corridor, waiting for Kim Rae-bin to come back out.
“….”
“Oh my, our mother….”
In front of the Hospital Room, relatives and medical staff came and went, but of course we simply sat there quietly without acknowledging them or saying anything.
Still, judging by the atmosphere, fortunately… it didn’t seem like we were too late.
Though I’m not sure if I should call that fortunate.
It was around the time when the faint light of dawn began to filter through the Window.
“Moon-dae.”
“….”
“Park Moon-dae, why don’t you go rest in the car for a bit.”
“Not me—Ryu Chung-woo hyung should go.”
How could the person who’d been driving all night without sleep still be awake?
It was only right that he go rest.
But Ryu Chung-woo shook his head.
“I’m not that tired.”
“Yes. Neither am I.”
“….”
The brief exchange ended there. The members didn’t bring up rest again and simply waited quietly.
And shortly after, Kim Rae-bin emerged with a pale face, stumbling, and relayed the situation.
“Rae-bin.”
“Are you okay?”
“Y-yes…. Grandmother talked to me… and now she’s sleeping….”
We’d cleared the immediate crisis.
‘Hah.’
Strangely, all the tension drained from my body at once.
Kim Rae-bin wasn’t too late—that’s what it meant.
But I could read between the lines from his expression and tone.
This wasn’t the face of someone reassured.
‘…There’ll be more crises ahead.’
The thought crossed my mind that this could become the worst vacation of Kim Rae-bin’s life.

* * *
After briefing the Company staff who arrived late, the members with homes to return to headed out.
Kim Rae-bin’s Sister had gently suggested it when she emerged from the Hospital Room.
-Thank you so much for bringing Rae-bin here.
-Not at all. It’s only natural….
-I heard you’re on vacation. Thank you for spending such a precious day…. I hope you have a safe trip back.
She probably felt sorry, and besides, she couldn’t afford to worry about so many outsiders. It was a reasonable thing to say.
For guys who only get to spend time with family once or twice a year, coming all the way here was already a remarkable show of loyalty.
But Cha Yu-jin flatly refused—he was heading to the Dormitory anyway.
-It’s fine, I can’t go home! I’m staying here.
-Eugene….
Since his time at the previous Agency, he had some familiarity with Kim Rae-bin’s family, so the atmosphere was one of acceptance regardless.
But I couldn’t just leave Cha Yu-jin behind.
‘This guy isn’t the type to take care of things properly.’
There was a real risk that Kim Rae-bin’s Sister would end up looking after him too.
Besides, if only one of the two guys who’d normally both be at the Dormitory stayed here, and the one leaving was the senior—that just didn’t sit right.
So I decided to stay as well.
-I’m fine too. I was planning to be at the Dormitory during vacation anyway.
After a few polite refusals and reassurances, we moved to Kim Rae-bin’s Family Home at the insistence of his Sister and Grandfather.
And during that process, through conversation with Kim Rae-bin’s Sister, I managed to piece together a rough explanation of the situation.
-They said they’d monitor things for a few more days, and if conditions allow, they’ll proceed with surgery….
-…The odds aren’t very high.
-Still, better than this sudden crisis… I think it’s better for Rae-bin to have time to mentally prepare himself.
I couldn’t bring myself to ask prying questions about what illness it was.
From the fragments of conversation I overheard among relatives on the way, it sounded like some kind of pituitary problem.
And once we got home and Kim Rae-bin relaxed, this is what he said through tears:
“H-he was diagnosed during his last hospitalization… but he told me not to say anything because he didn’t want to worry me while I’m working in Seoul….”
“….”
“I-I didn’t even know that… I wasn’t paying attention, and I’m just so stupid.”
“No! You’re not stupid.”
“No, I was being stupid! T-today too… I couldn’t get my head straight, I couldn’t do it right….”
“You did well enough.”
I cut off Kim Rae-bin’s words.
“You handled it calmly and well. You visited your Grandmother, you got everything done. No one is naturally skilled at something like this.”
“….”
Kim Rae-bin’s shoulders sagged.
And I felt something strange wash over me—the realization that my words had actually gotten through to him.
‘That’s right.’
How could anyone directly involved in such a situation be skilled at it?
By this standard, he had done more than well enough.
I stood up and opened the Refrigerator as I’d been given permission to do beforehand by Kim Rae-bin’s Sister, retrieving an ion drink.
I poured it for him—clearly someone who needed to replenish his fluids—and only after confirming he was drinking did I speak slowly.
“I’m sorry for pushing you in the car. You worked hard.”
“N-no…! Thanks to you, I was able to arrive on time….”
In truth, even if we’d been later, nothing would have gone wrong, but it was a psychological matter.
And I realized this psychological burden would persist.
‘…No matter how this situation unfolds, things have gotten complicated.’
Even the conversation that would happen between the Company and him after the vacation.
“Eat something delicious, Kim Rae-bin. Order delivery!”
“D-delivery is… something you order.”
“Got it. Order it!”
At least by bantering with Cha Yu-jin, Kim Rae-bin managed to recover some semblance of his usual demeanor and reluctantly ordered food, though he couldn’t eat much of it.
And so the vacation drifted by, maintaining that precarious normalcy while standing by for the Hospital’s emergency calls.
And then… that difficult moment arrived.

* * *
The last morning of my vacation.
“Grandmother is going to have surgery.”
Kim Rae-bin received a call from his sister early in the morning, and he relayed the news with remarkable composure—though he was holding his smartphone upside down.
“Talk while you eat.”
“This is Kim Rae-bin’s seat!”
“I know, it’s our home! …Yes! Her condition has improved, so she’s now eligible for surgical intervention!”
It meant there was a chance of recovery.
But then again… it also meant the probability of this surgery failing was far greater.
I didn’t know.
Whether I should dampen the spirits of someone trying to think optimistically, or go along with it.
So instead, I broached the practical issue.
That ‘difficult’ problem I’d been thinking about since the first day of vacation.
“Are you planning to stay and care for her?”
“Yes…?”
“I understand, but your vacation ends today.”
I set my spoon down in my bowl.
“You need to return by tomorrow morning.”
“…!!”
“You should think carefully about whether it’s okay to go back to Seoul.”
…Once I resume activities and stay in Seoul, if Grandmother’s surgical recovery suddenly deteriorates, I might not be able to be there at the end.
I recalled a conversation I’d had with Kim Rae-bin back when Grandmother first collapsed early in my debut.
-If… if that happens… should I stop during a performance, during filming… and leave? But then… it seems like I’d lack professional integrity.
Family or work.
That damned moment of impossible choice.
And not just a moment, but gambling on four whole weeks of monitoring the surgical outcome.
‘What a shitty situation.’
Of course it was the same back then, but what I had to say was already decided.
“I’m telling you in advance—it’s fine if you don’t return for a while. We’re doing all this to live well anyway, so there’s no need to suffer.”
“…That’s right. It’s okay!”
“I’ll help convince the company, so don’t worry.”
Cha Yu-jin sure knew how to provide support. He’d been reading the atmosphere well these past few days.
And honestly, at this point I expected Kim Rae-bin to squeeze his eyes shut and cry out, “I’m truly sorry, but I’ll do that.”
But it wasn’t like that.
“Even… even if I do that, it will still feel painful….”
“…!”
“It’s… it’s an important regular album, and I haven’t completed even a single one of my assigned tracks yet… the title track is still being worked on….”
Of course, Kim Rae-bin had his own dreams and sense of responsibility.
“The music video, the choreography, the stage… I won’t be able to contribute anything at all.”
Moreover, Kim Rae-bin was the member in charge of production. In other words, he was the very musicality of Testa itself.
Kim Rae-bin had keenly recognized that if he stepped back completely, it would damage the group’s identity.
“If Grandmother recovers without… passing away, then what I’m doing—no, I mean, that’s what I’m hoping for.”
“Yeah, I get it.”
I cut him off.
He was right. If Grandmother recovered without complications, Kim Rae-bin might end up regretting that he’d taken time off for nothing.
And he’d feel disgusted with himself for harboring that regret.
‘…Did I let my own bias cloud my judgment?’
I’d overlapped his situation too much with my own past and misread it.
I drummed my fingers on the table.
‘The best option would really be to push back the album release by a month or two.’
But that created a problem for me.
If we did that, the tour schedule could get thrown off, and that might cause issues with clearing the abnormal condition.
‘I’m going to lose my mind.’
That’s when it happened.
“Do both!”
“…!!”
Cha Yu-jin shouted.
“We have lots of good methods! Phone calls and… um.”
“Speak English.”
[Right! We use English, right?]
Cha Yu-jin’s eyes lit up as he tapped the table.
[There’s email, video calls, video chat—we live in an age with all of it! Have Kim Rae-bin work on compositions here! And we prepare the other elements!]
“…!”
Remarkably rational. I opened my mouth immediately.
“Cha Yu-jin, you’re saying he should work on compositions here while doing remote work from home.”
“Remote work??”
“It sounds decent to me.”
Sure enough, Kim Rae-bin’s expression brightened instantly.
“I—I think so too! So for things other than compositions….”
I interlaced my fingers.
My mind began operating smoothly for the first time in days.
“Here’s what we’ll do. We’ll create two versions of the choreography just in case. One with you, one without.”
“Huh??”
“Sounds good!”
“And the same goes for filming—we’ll shoot our individual cuts and group shots first, then schedule your individual filming as late as possible.”
“Oh!”
“We push your participation time back as far as we can while finishing a version that works even if you can’t make it.”
Kim Rae-bin’s jaw dropped.
“…I’m—I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what? It just means you’ll have a damn harder time the later you join in.”
I asked him.
“You still want to do it?”
“…Yes!”
Good.
Kim Rae-bin nodded eagerly.
He looked quite spirited, but soon began rubbing his eyes.
For various reasons, it seemed natural that emotions would well up inside him.
“Alright, let’s do what we can.”
“Yes….”
I added more.
“And if it doesn’t work out halfway through, it’s okay to stop.”
“That’s right! It’s not Kim Rae-bin’s fault.”
That was true.
And so, four weeks began—an attempt to catch both rabbits, work and family.

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Novels. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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