An Ode to Divorce - Chapter 5

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Team. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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#5

Yesterday felt like I had barely survived death, but there was definitely pleasure. I thought to myself, where else would I get to experience something like this again? In any case, I was reasonably satisfied…

But watching Gert apologize over and over, saying it was his fault, that he had committed a mortal sin, suddenly felt like cold water had been poured over my head, making me dizzy.

Gert, who was right in front of me, somehow felt like he was far away. As if there was a layer of water blocking us, everything felt unreal.

Soon, everything became exhausting.

Of course, it wasn’t that I wasn’t disappointed, but he was drunk, and I was drunk too… I had even sobered up in the middle of it. It would have been better if I had stayed drunk until the end. The half-hearted expectations I had harbored came back as sharp thorns.

When Gert apologized, what pained me wasn’t the fact that he didn’t want to sleep with me, but the fact that I had wanted to sleep with him.

So ultimately, I was the cause of this pain, and blaming Gert wouldn’t solve anything. It wouldn’t change his feelings.

“Let’s just pretend it never happened. Don’t worry about it too much.”

“How can we pretend it never happened!”

“Sometimes these things happen… Anyway, we both agreed to it at the time… Things are just a bit different now. So wouldn’t it be most comfortable for both of us if we don’t hold it against each other?”

“Different? What’s different?”

“It’s a bit awkward for me to say it myself.”

No matter how nonchalant I tried to act, I wasn’t indifferent enough to say, ‘You seem to regret sleeping with me.’

“…”

Gert’s brow furrowed. His mouth opened and closed several times, but what finally escaped was a deep sigh.

“If that’s what you really want.”

So we tried to live as usual, erasing that day from our memories. Of course, the memory would sometimes pop up like an awl in a pocket, but since the examination day was approaching and I had no time to be swayed by other emotions, I pretended not to know as much as possible.

But I could no longer ignore what happened that day.

‘Gert had a woman he loved? Since when exactly?’

Was she someone he already knew? Or was she a woman he had newly met?

I really knew nothing at all.

‘When he slept with me, was he already in love with that woman?’

Thinking about it that way, I could understand why Gert, who was usually strong against temptation, slept with me even though he was drunk, and why his reaction was what it was after waking up.

‘It would make sense if he mistook me for the woman he loved while drunk.’

After spending such a satisfying night together, when he came to his senses, the woman he had embraced was me, his fake wife…

Gert must have felt sorry for me, but he also must have felt great guilt for embracing another woman while having someone he loved. That’s why he looked so pale, as if his world had collapsed.

The persistent tongue that licked my fingers, the hands that held me as if they would never let me go.

Even if it was a mistake, I thought that moment belonged to me.

Realizing that not even a single moment had ever truly been mine, a crushing pain in my chest blocked my breath.

‘…Now that I think about it, what he said when he came to see me the night before leaving for his last hunt was definitely meaningful.’

Not long after that incident, Gert went hunting. Even though we had been living as usual during that time, Gert had been trying to avoid being alone with me as much as possible, but that day, for some reason, he called for me.

“I have something to tell you when I return.”

“You’re always gone for a long time when you go hunting. If you have something to say, just say it now.”

“It would be meaningless to say it now.”

“Really.”

He called me just to say ‘I have something to tell you when I return.’

At the time, I thought it was Gert’s attempt at reconciliation to ease our strained relationship before he left for the hunt.

But now I realize it was all groundwork for divorcing immediately after the examination day passed.

‘…Fine. We had originally agreed to divorce after I took the examination anyway.’

Just because he and I had slept together by mistake didn’t mean our contract would change.

I just hadn’t expected that Gert would be preparing for divorce as if he had been waiting only for that day…

‘Maybe he thought that if he hurried to divorce me and we became nothing to each other, that day’s events would also disappear as if nothing had happened.’

Soon, I shook my head to dispel the gloomy thoughts.

‘Enough, enough! There’s no point in dwelling on what happened that day!’

Anyway, that day’s events had now become nothing, and since I had no intention of drinking that alcohol with Gert ever again, I would never know Gert’s feelings from that time, even if a lifetime passed.

What was certain was that Gert had died without even properly proposing to the woman he loved.

That was also one of the reasons I was trying to divorce Gert quickly.

If I divorced him quickly, something might change. At least he might be able to spend some time with the person he loved…

The more I gave such rational reasons, the worse my mood became.

I deliberately ignored the cause of such emotions.

***

Given such a past, I couldn’t tell Gert about the future. He wouldn’t believe me even if I told him.

‘Perfect way to be treated like a lunatic.’

Unaware of my dilemma, Gert questioned me about various things as if trying to resolve my complaints somehow.

“Or maybe there was something uncomfortable about staying at the Archduke’s Mansion? Was there an employee who made you uncomfortable while I was away?”

“Of course not!”

‘Not yet, anyway.’

Hiding my true thoughts, I conveyed my opinion with a genuinely apologetic expression.

“It was definitely thoughtless of me to bring up divorce in front of everyone. I’m sorry about that. But when I thought about how you might be gone for months if you left now, I became anxious.”

In Gert’s silence, I hurriedly continued.

“Life at the Archduke’s Mansion wasn’t the problem. It was actually good. But the longer I stayed, the more I felt it didn’t suit a commoner like me. Of course, you made many accommodations for me, but there are still many things to consider.”

I couldn’t honestly tell him that everyone here would change their attitude like flipping their palm once he died.

It doesn’t suit me! It’s uncomfortable anyway!

…I had no choice but to push forward with that argument.

And it was also true.

‘Since I have such simple tastes that I find street skewers more delicious than dishes the chef carefully prepared, what could Gert do about it?’

In the end, if the archduke’s wife doesn’t like it, that’s that.

“There’s a year left until the examination day. I want to work in a more comfortable environment for that year.”

“You…”

Gert’s face contorted. His handsome brow furrowed and displeasure filled his face.

‘Even if we’re not lovers, does it feel bad to hear your wife ask for divorce?’

Come to think of it, I hadn’t felt very good when I first heard that Gert had another woman either.

So I could understand Gert’s displeasure.

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This chapter was translated by Lunox Team. To support us and help keep this series going, visit our website: LunoxScans.com
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